We are in the middle of a serious family dilemma. I've read some sage advise here in the past, and I'm hoping for some serious input on this matter.

Let me set the scene.

My 17 yr old was at a friends house a week ago with 6 or 7 other kids.

No parents present.

Beer was present, and consumed by all with the exception of my son. So he says, since he was driving.

No one over the age of majority, (drinking age, 19yrs), present.

My wife and I find out about this little gathering.

Our son will not give me the phone number of the parents, so that I may make them aware of what is happening under there unsupervised roof.

Now the question.
Do I force the issue and remove my sons driving privileges until he gives me the phone number, (he says he is willing to make the sacrifice),?

Or, do I let him win and back down from my position?

As I've told him, my only reason for wanting to contact the other parents is to inform them of the underage drinking. Not to damage his friendship. I would ask the parents not to let on how or from whom they heard this news.

I've explained that this is the kind of thing that leads to a kids getting behind the wheel of a car impaired and killing themselves and others.

I know that we all did this sort of thing, I'm no exception. Does that make it right? I feel compelled to speak to these parents. I know if this happened under my roof, I would want to be told about it. This is not about pointing fingers or assessing blame. It is all about trying to keep kids on the right track and keep them save. It may let these other parents open up a dialogue with their child about a potential problem.

 

This is a very serious issue. I wish I had the answer and I hope many of our members will contribute good advice.

I have a 16 year old. At 17 he gets his license. At this point he claims he doesn't drink but he has told us that some of his friends do. Like you, I am concerned that when they get together there will be drinking and driving.

Liz and I think we've brought him up well and have taught him proper behavior. I am trying to teach him to respect the car and it's potential for harm as I teach him to drive. Still I know when a group of teenagers get together anything goes. I am very concerned.

In your case I think that suspending his driving privledges will make the matter worse, and make him more resolute. I think the very best you can do is to teach him not to drink and drive. I think.

 

My oldest daughter was teaching high school english, and had three of her students killed in a car crash because they were driving drunk. They were at a party, parents not home, and alcohol present. The parents were supposedly unaware, but they wound up being charged (something along the lines of negligence, improper supervision of minors or something like that).

If you know that underage drinking was taking place, and there is an accident, you "might" be liable for knowing about it and not reporting it, depending on your state's laws.

If it were me I'd force the issue, while trying to explain to my child that his covering for his friends is only going to kill them, and possibly him. At the least you probably should consult with the high school counselor/principal/etc. or possibly talk to a police officer.

If you let him win, you will be giving him tacit approval for future activities of that sort, and your credibility will have gone out the window.

Hilly and I gave our girls a lot of leeway when they were teenagers, but underage drinking was not part of that equation; we were rigid on that.

My .02c worth...

 

As I am not a parent. So therefore, it is easy for me to be the "perfect parent". I think what you are trying to prevent here is visually represented below. There have been a string of (perhaps) alcohol related driving fatalities here in Northern Virginia in the past couple of weeks, the most recent of which was when two sixteen year olds and a 19 year old where killed on Saturday night. I think that it is a civic responsibility to do so. How would you feel if you did nothing and your son's friends made the local news?

 

I, too, would recommend that you force the issue. This actually goes beyond the party now. Your son has decided what you should and should not know when you have asked a specific question. Although he feels loyalty to his friends (which is commendable), he should be aware that his actions do have consequences. He witnessed an illegal act and should be made to decide whether defending his friends for their bad actions is worth the effort.

 

In the Navy, DUI is our number 1 non-combat killer of young sailors. We give all of our youngsters a huge measure of autonomy and with that goes accountability, not only for themselves but for everyone in their unit. Authority, responsibility and even actual punishment don't hold as much sway as does accountability to your unit and your peers for ones actions and inactions.
That being said, peer pressure and the need to maintain a peer group is a big motivator in the under 26 group. We, in the Navy, appeal to a youngster's desire to belong to something big in order to help them accept the accountability that goes with their independence and with our trust. They don't always accept the premise but they do all buy in and it holds them together like glue. Can you even once recall a vet telling a story about any service related experience without seeing and feeling the camaraderie?
Your son is no different. He came to you, one way or another and opened up about this. That is a sign that he has the guts to follow through with what he intuitively knows is the right thing. You've done well.
We tell our mid-grade leaders "not to let their subordinates put themselves into a position where they are pitted against the leaders who as authority figures, have to win because then there is no other option but for the authority to be the winner." Now, the key is to find a way that this is a win for him by appealing to his sense of responsibility and ultimately his accountability.
Help him out here. Offer to extract a guarantee from the parents that confidentiality is paramount. Offer to do it for him, you are a team afterall and make the guarantee yourself and then "walk the walk, don't just talk the talk." Wear a path in the ground through your actions that he knows he can trust you to always stick by your commitment and that you will always stick by him. Be careful what that path looks like because you'll have to walk it for a long time. Don't build a box that you can't live in but rather one where you can both find common ground.

 

I don't think the issue is one of winning and/or backing down, I think you all win if they don't drive and drink. How you accomplish that is the question.


How do you force the kid to reveal the name of his friends when he is so resolute that he is willing to give up his driving privileges? I agree that if it were going on in my house I'd want to know, but the kids are very clever and they will find another place to drink. The real key, I think, is to make the kids understand the dangers of drinking and driving.

Do you believe your son when he says that he didn't drink because he was driving? If he is telling you the truth he is doing exactly what any parent would hope a child would do. There will always be drinking. I don't like it either, but there is no question about the fact that 17, 18, 19 year olds and older will drink. If you've taught your son not to drink because he is driving, and he follows that rule, you have taught him very well.

Please don't misunderstand. I think that drinking and drinking and driving is perhaps the biggest single threat that our kids face. I'm just not sure how to go about stopping it.

 

Fly

There is a lot of very good advice in your post.

 

A teenager's perspective:

Some of my friends do drink (I am 15 years old), and some of them have been doing it for a while. Frankly I don't know what is so good about beer (smells disgusting to say the least) or alcohol, but they tell me they go for the "buzz" because "it feels good." i'm ok with it as long as you don't come wasted to school with beer breath. What they do is their own buisness, I don't have a right to stop what they do. But as a parent, I would be worried, because peer pressure is quite convincing and if he hangs around the friends all the time, something may happen, something may not. The problem with all of this is that if his friends find out that your son told you that he may be made fun of. That is the one thing I absolutely hate about high school. If you do something that is against your friends, i think to myself when that happens "damn dude, chill, i probably won't even know you past high school and you are so uptight about everything". But I'm the odd one in the bunch. As a teen, I know what it is like to be pressured by parents, and it's hard on us because we are split between friends and family. Sometimes we just need a little bit of convincing to make the right decision. So definitely press him, but don't overpress. Passively, but authoritatively and I'm sure your son will do the right thing.

I also thank my family's alcoholic tolerance for my alcoholic virginity! I'd probably get drunk off a sip of beer.

 

Mr Forgetable, thanks for the point of view I think it was very important to get that perspective. It is a good contribution to the post.

This is a difficult situation for any parent. The points made on this entire thread are very helpful and I hope you can realise the direction you need to go. While I enjoyed reading the entire thread and learned from it, I think Ralper, Fly, and Mr Forgetable points should be well taken.

My entire family (brother and sisters) have used this teen driving contract with our teens to re-enforce that driving is a privilege (I have this in word format and will email it to anyone who would like a copy):

Contract For Teen Drivers

It is understood that having a driver's license and driving a motor vehicle are privileges. Any privilege has to be earned, and it must be earned on a continual basis. This means that driving privileges may be revoked by either parent due to an infraction of the following rules:

1. Breaking the driving laws or abusing a motor vehicle can result in the loss of driving privileges, even if we learn about if from a source other than the police. You never know who may be observing you.
2. You will strive to maintain the grades, conduct, and attitude at the same high level as when we granted you driving privileges.
3. No one else should be allowed to drive a vehicle entrusted to you. This means that you may not lend your vehicle to friends.
4. If you are ever in a condition that might render you less than 100% competent behind the wheel of a car, phone us at home or wherever we are. This will not result in the loss of driving privileges.
5. You are never to be a passenger in a car in which the driver should not be driving. A call to come and get you will not result in the loss of driving privileges. If you cannot reach us, hire a taxi. We will pay for it and there will be no punishment.


______________________________ ______________________________
Signed by Parent Signed by Teen

What Every Parent Should Know About Teenage Drivers...
Drinking and Driving
Clearly, drinking and driving are a deadly combination, and the incidence of teenage drinking and driving is on the increase in recent years. As parents, you can begin to reverse this trend by making every effort to enforce a no-drinking-and-driving policy at home. Start by signing this contract with your teen. If your teenager does drink in spite of the rules, make sure there's a way for him or her to get home without driving.

Night Driving
About half of all fatal motor vehicle crashes involving teenagers occur at night-especially weekend nights. Research studies in New York State show that driving curfews do work-a dramatic 62% reduction in crash involvement during curfew hours. Sixteen year old drivers are more likely to be involved in an accident than any other age group. Cars with more than two teens inside are more likely to have an accident.

Safety Belts
Using lap/shoulder safety belts reduces the chance of death or serious injury by at least half. Yet despite the statistics, studies reveal that less than 40% of all teenage drivers use their belts. You can help your teen avoid a serious injury by insisting he or she wear a seat belt, even if the trip is less than 1/4 mile down the road. An astounding number of car accidents occur less than two miles from home.

End of contract.

Here are a couple of links that my sister uses, she is a highschool teach and shares these with parents and students (useful tools):

http://www.pamf.org/teen/parents/risk/alcohol.html
http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/teensal...drinkdrive3.htm

Best of luck with your son.