I think the reason your kid is worried about you telling his friends' parents is because, more often than note, parents are idiots.

i think theres a damn good chance the friend's parents will striaght out say "johnny's parents just told us you were drinking!" after all, if the kid denies it, they are inclined to believe their son over a friend's parent. this would just cause crazy drama.

worry about your kid, tell him dont get in the car with a drunk driver, and teach him to teach/manage his friends. i vote no on calling other parents...u just dont know what you're getting into

 

^ Not being a parent, I can't really give advice. But I tend to agree with FooF. Although I don't think parents are idiots... The other boy's parents might very well know he is drinking at home and even accept it as an alternative to drinking out. I say don't force the issue. You can try to influence what your son does, but not his friends. Good luck!

 

I see that this is as difficult a topic here as it is at home. There is always what looks to be reasonable reasons to follow either route. Thank you for your input, Mrforgetable it is good to get feedback from a teenagers perspective. Your comments echo some of my sons concerns.

FlyNavy, some great advice, not only in this instance but for raising kids in general.

Thanks all, this is the kind of advice I was certain to find here. Please feel free to comment further, we are still working this issue out.

 

Why do you need your son's input to reach the other parents? Do you know the other kid's last name? Do you know where he lives? In other words, I find it hard to accept that the only way to reach the other parents is via information your kid has. Try the school--you need not tell the school what the issue is, but you could request that they contact the other parents and ask them to contact you.

If, in fact, you really can't reach them unless your son tells you the number, then, yes, I would insist that he do so. If they are unaware of what happens when they aren't home, then they need to know. Would you want to be contacted if it was your child and your home? Were I in your shoes, I would feel an absolute obligation to inform them.

If the other parents are jerks and get mad or tell their kid, then so what? Sometimes there's a cost to doing the right thing--not a bad lesson to teach any kid.

Now excuse me while I go seach for my flame suit...

 

If it were my kid in my home, #1 I'd know if any alcohol were missing from the premises and #2 I'd be making sure whoever consumed it knew that I knew. If you called me and told me under-age drinking had gone on in my home I'd be most thankful.

 

I don't have an answer for you. Fortunately with our own children, we never had to face such a situation because they chose their friends carefully, and we (as parents) always got involved with their friends. We know who our children's friends were and we also know their parents. That went a long way towards avoiding situations like what you encountered.

But it is appropriate that this question is being asked now. Just TODAY, in our local San Jose Mercury, there is an article about a teenage girl who was found alive after 8 days near Seattle. The article mentioned:
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews.../9907396.htm?1c
The teenager (who was on her way home from the party) could have died because the others at the party did not want to disclose where the party was held. In this case, they were fortunate to find her still alive.

 

I did not read any of the replies, only the first post. We had a situation happen at OUR house. My husband and I were home at the time. My daughter and 2 girlfriends were here, getting ready to go to a school party right down the street at the community club. They were all 15 at the time. The short of it is, one friend has a drunk for a mom and her mom is always drinking OJ and vodka so she got it out of our bar and fridge and they started drinking it, and then going on our trampoline. (Oh, too bad, it made them sick! ) When my husband got it out of my daughter, what was going on, I told them all that the party was over. I drove the other two girls home and went in their houses and explained to the parents what the girls had done and then left them to their parents. One of the girls did NOT drink and I told her parents that, but I also told them that my daughter had and the other girl had.

I merely informed the parents of what had happened because, I told them, if the tables were reversed, I would want the other parent to tell me about it.

As for our daughter, we had her go on the internet and write up a report on teenage drinking. She learned that it could kill a person by alcohol poisoning, let alone the car accidents. She really got a lot out of it. We also grounded her for two weeks, I think it was. The girl with the drunk mom got no punishment. Her mom said to her, as I was standing there, "So what, you guys just decided to party a little?"

 

i have a 15.5 year old and a 17 year old...it appears you have a rappor with your son, this is good. why not talk to him about your concerns and tell him you do not want him around those folks again, which telling him you are proud he did not drink...we have had talks about drinking anddrugs and sex since they were little and allow them both to have some wine at home on occassion and when we are in other countries if they wish(where the drinking age is based on your height).

there will be a million opportunities to drink or whatever, your kids need to know that it is not ok to do that, especially when out in a car, and that there are dangers associated with it...most of all they need to know you love and support them and appreicate their not drinking when the opportunity presents itself and that you trust them...keep talking to them.

about the other kids and their parents..what parent has no idea their kid will have a party when they are not home and perhaps that party will involve drinking? i would say to your son that this is a risk, these people andhe can get sucked into it ...this family has some issues to deal with. unless you know them well enough to call them i would not get involved. if you know them then yes contact them, i have done this with parents i know and not done this with folks i know not(about fireworks and other stuff). making the"right" kinda friends is an art that can take a lifetime to perfect, if ever.

 

This evening, at dinner, I mentioned this thread. I said that I wanted to get some feedback from my 16 year old. What followed was a 45 minute discussion all about teenage drinking and driving, the responsibility of the driver, and the responsibility to one's friends. It was a great discussion.

My 16 year old son Andrew found himself on the same horns of the dilemna that we all are on. I think, and I am hoping that simply by discussing this in the open Andrew will feel more comfortable with the topic, and will have given it some thought when and if he is confronted with a similar situation.

Andrew doesn't drink although a number of his friends have started. He thinks it is a waste of time. With that, his first reaction, just like Mr. Forgettable's and Motu's son was that he wouldn't want us to tell the other parents about a drinking party. When I asked what he would do if we forced him to tell us the names of the other kids (parents) he said without hesitation that he would stop telling us about the parties. I think that there is a lesson in that.

When I put him in the hypothetical situation where his friends were drinking and driving, or where his friends got killed after drinking and driving, he softened up a little. Like most of us, he isn't exactly sure which way is the right way.

I am glad we had this conversation. I think everyone with kids should.

One thing comes through loud and clear in Patty's (kyras) post, and it echos something that FlyNavy said. You lead by example. I think the mother who is the drinker and who dismissed Patty by saying something like, "So they're having a little party" is doing her daughter a terrible injustice. Who does this woman think her daughter learns from? Liz and I don't drink, and that is not a guarantee, but I think it helps. We've never painted alcohol to be "evil" we just don't drink because we don't like it. We've never told Andrew, "You must not", we tell him, "You should not". He said that makes a difference. I hope so.

Talk to your kids.

 

I find this thread very interesting, being that I am in said age group. I have friends with rather serious substance abuse problems. Being in an extemely rural area adds much fuel to the fire. I could have any illegal substance I wanted and a place to use it in 30 minutes flat, and cops don't raid the woods. This mentality leads many to follow thorugh. The lack of police presence also greatly contributes to the problem.

From a kid's perspective, I believe that peer pressure is much stronger than any parental decree. Even my current sociology class discusses this point. I think that forcing a teenager to do something against their will will only serve to strenghten their resolve. Drinking can definitely be a serious issue, though. I personally know (and KNEW) teenagers involved in alcohol related accidents. IMO, if you are ABSOLUTELY sure that your child did not drink and drive (something I find intollerable), then it should not be a major issue unless it becomes a recurring problem.

I have played DD more than once for my friends, and I was happy to do so to ensure their safety. If your son did the same, it is something that deserves admiration. Ultimately though, I see this delemma through the eyes of a less-than-perfect teen, so the issues of parental liabilty are not central in my thought process. My only bit of advice would be to be careful about coming directly between your teen and his close peer group. This could cause a fissure in your relationship that could lead to more serious problems, as I have seen personally in my peers.