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After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his
eyes . "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing, and banging
on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"I discovered the gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the
chair."
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble crapping?”
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit? "
Want Coffee:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, and
then just walks out.
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.
An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.
A young girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the girl replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the girl said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus......
06-26-2017, 09:46 AM
