DVDoughboy

I'm bored at work and was wondering if anyone had any. I found this in the off topic forum
https://www.s2ki.com/forums/showthread.php?...&threadid=86615

and no, don't worry guys, it's not another one of those pranks.

Anyway, just wondering.

Pixsurguy

Tom, a very drunk gentleman comes staggering in early one morning just as the sun is coming up. His very angry wife is waiting for him and says, "What do you think you're doing staying out all night? Just for that I'm cutting you off."
Tom begins to laugh, and she says, "What in the hell are you laughing at?"
With tears rolling down his face from laughing so hard he says, "You can't cut me off. You don't even know where I've been getting it!"
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After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
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"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

S2000-SOTO

Love the last one

Pixsurguy

AN IMPORTANT MEETING

A yuppie business woman in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her favorite suit had been badly wrinkled during the flight, she phoned the front desk and asked to have the hotel's valet service pick up the suit for pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door and there stood an elderly Chinaman. Impressed by the speedy service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!"
"No ma'am," replied the old Chinaman, "I come get laundry."
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"Women should be obscene and not heard." ---Groucho Marx

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm... I'm in the mood for something special tonight. How about turkey style?" replied the wife.
"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what is turkey style?"
She smiled at him seductively and whispered, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
****************************

Pixsurguy

As an aging old Jewish mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's aging old Jewish father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the Jewish mother came home from shop- ping, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "Vhat...I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law!"

Pixsurguy

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One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, "honey, honey, I need twenty dollars I have to go out and buy some meat."
"Twenty dollars!... are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something."
So they run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says, "you see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine."
So he goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.
He runs up to his wife and says, "honey, honey, where the hell did you get all of this meat?"
And she replies, "Well, come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something."
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror lifts up her skirt and says, "you see that one in the mirror, that ones yours and this one's the butcher's."
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An 83 year old lady finished here annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age...but tell me...Do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute...I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said, "Jake, do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently, "If I told you ONCE, I told you a thousand times, we have BLUE CROSS!!"
****************************
A 90 year old man was sitting in his room at the retirement home when his door opens and an absolutely gorgeous woman walks in.
She tells the man, "Your friends hired me to give you super sex."
The old man being hard of hearing says "What did you say?"
The woman repeats herself and the old man does too. So the woman yells as loud as she can, "SUPER SEX." The old man replies, "I'll take the soup!"
****************************
A very old man was sitting on a park bench, crying.
A cop came over and asked the old man what was the matter.
The man said, "I have been married for two months to a gorgeous blonde, 35 years old, 36-24-36."
Cop: Did she marry you for your money?
Man: No she's an heiress, worth millions--much more than I have.
Cop: Rotten sex life? Man: No, she's hot to trot anytime I want, and is a great lover.
Cop: She can't cook or keep house?
Man: No, she is a gourmet cook, graduate of the culinary institute, and the house is neat and spotless.
Cop: Then what could possibly be the matter?
Man: I can't remember where I live!

Pixsurguy

One year ago my grandfather got Parkinson's and one month ago he got Alzheimer's.
Sometimes he forgets to shake.
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Why is so hard to make love to a ninety year old woman? It's like trying to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart.
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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
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"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ---Mark Twain

Stratocaster

Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from?

Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything
was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which
a byproduct is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see
what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below
decks and the first time someone came below at night with a
lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before what was
happening was discovered. After that, the bundles of manure
were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which
meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other
words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water
that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you coundn't wait to know the history of the word!

Stratocaster

Subject: Doctor Bob

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself,
trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to have sex with a patient and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
reality.............





















"Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

Stratocaster

And the lastone... This one made be fall on the floor laughing.


A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged
to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was
undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's
skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet
hole he would even tell them what caliber the
bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded them carefully and took him to
his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced
"Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and
declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone
had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this
time and then said, "Kalahari Lion Shot
with a .416 rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and
again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally
he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and
went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror
that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his
wife, I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got
into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."