Mitch Hedberg!
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From: SoCal
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From: SJC
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 111,882
Likes: 2,034
From: SoCal
Originally Posted by 8D_In_Trunk,Nov 6 2007, 06:36 PM
"I don't care"
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 111,882
Likes: 2,034
From: SoCal
[QUOTE=p0pe,Apr 13 2005, 08:52 AM] Sports
* I play sports... no I don't, what the
?
* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
* Foosballed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me.
* Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve.
* The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They'reing relentless.
* I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick someing ass.... they'd back up now.
* I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
* You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports, I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no"?
* Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not myin' foot."
[edit]
Foods & Beverages
* The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"
* All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "at all participating restraunts." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate. Can I have a BigMac? No, but we have spaghetti......and blankets.
* Popsicles are for summertime.
* I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks'
* I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
* I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
* I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
* I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'
* If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would beed up.
* That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
* You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...
* I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"
* I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
* They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite man?" "Not until you figure out what the else is in it!"
* I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said 'Try it with turkey and cheese.' 'Try it with peanut butter.' Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em
* I play sports... no I don't, what the
?* I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
* Foosball
ed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several ... simultaneously with two other guys... that look exactly like me.* Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve.
* The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're
ing relentless.* I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick some
ing ass.... they'd back up now.* I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
* You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports, I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no"?
* Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my
in' foot."[edit]
Foods & Beverages
* The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"
* All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "at all participating restraunts." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate. Can I have a BigMac? No, but we have spaghetti......and blankets.
* Popsicles are for summertime.
* I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks'
* I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
* I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
* I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
* I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 'C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.'
* If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be
ed up.* That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
* You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...
* I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"
* I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
* They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite man?" "Not until you figure out what the
else is in it!"* I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said 'Try it with turkey and cheese.' 'Try it with peanut butter.' Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 111,882
Likes: 2,034
From: SoCal
Originally Posted by raymo19,May 2 2008, 04:04 AM
You're welcome. It doesn't seem possible it's been three years now. 
He was one funny
er. 
He was one funny
er. 
I gave my
's Mitchy Christmas Tree Balls 
and I'm happy to have had the pleasure of seeing him even if he was off that nite
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 42,116
Likes: 31
From: Over the Electric Grapevine.....man
damn he's been gone since 05 it seems like longer
* The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"
it seems like longer * The flap on the inside of the vending machine is a great invention. Before that it was tough times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"
