Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

How is it one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already
know everything.

You read about all these terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but
they hang around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just
sitting on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at
the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment
and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

 

heh heh heh....must've been my family.

 

Must have been an Italian restaurant