"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

 

"Yeah, it's a great car. You can fit a body in the trunk, but only if you cut in half."

"Yeah, it's a great car. You can fit 10 bodies back there, but then the rear axle starts to bottom out."

"How do you feel about Sizzler?"

"Midget pRon, anyone?"

"I haven't been able to get THAT stain out of the hottub yet."

"Do we have to go to a place that has cloth napkins?"

"Would you like to see what's under my Utilikilt?"

"I work for Athanor Environmental Services."

"Of course I know Jason."

 

"Yeah, I'm a Geologist..."

 

"Yeah, I went to USC..."

 

this one is a mood killer

 

"Your mom doesn't do it that way"

 

"But your sister lets me!"

 

"It burns when I pee"

 

Why yes! that does make you look fat!

 

"I don't wanna seem too forward, but can I chew on your butt?"