*Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."


New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's

 

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Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window
to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,
Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies,
Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,but how do you
know?"
Gennaro answers,
I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance,
and after a few minutes he asks,
Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers,
Yes, Gennaro, I do,but how do you know that?"
He replies,
I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over
and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red.
He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,please, please tell
me you wear no
panties tonight,please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."
Gennaro gasps,
Thanka God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli
leather shoes!"

 

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well,
he's a little mad, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, almost trips over the
family cat, and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

A guy who has been married for 20 years is sitting at in his kitchen surrounded by his 5 teenage kids all eating breakfast.
He looks around at them all and notices that the youngest of them looks a little different from the rest.
He goes up to his wife and says to her "all of our kids look roughly the same they all have the same nose and the same eyes stuff like that, but Terry looks different he has a different nose and different colour eyes from the rest and completely different hair..........is his father different from the rest?????"
His wife looks at him then lowers her head and said "Yes he has a different father"
The guy goes completely mad and demands who the father of this soon to be outcast child is.
His wife replies


"You are"

 

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

 

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, and then yells.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

 

Upon entering his daughter's room, Mr. Lacy found a note on the bed and proceeded to read it. It stated the following:

Dear Dad,

I am sorry to have run away, but there is something I must tell you, and I couldn't bare to do it in person. I've decided to run away with Billy (my boyfriend I've been hiding from you and Mom), and we're going to get married. He promises to support me with the food stamps and goverment money he's been stashing away, but assures me there are always other ways to get money in a pinch.

He also plans to help me with my alcohol problem, which I've done a pretty good job of hiding over the past year. We plan on raising our still unborn child in the best little beach shack we can find in Mexico - I'm sure it won't be much, but I know we'll be happy together so that's all that matters. I plan on getting there with the fake passport Billy was so kind to make for me. We just hope that he won't get put back into Rehab again for his drug abuse problems.

I really wish you could meet him Daddy. He's so sweet! On my next birthday he's gonna take me down to this bar and get me a tattoo to match his! And for his birthday I hope I'll be able to afford to get him some dental work, so that maybe he can have all of his teeth when he smiles even though I think the gap is kind of cute. Well, wish us luck!

Love you,

Your little girl

P.S. I actually just got an F on my report card, but it could be a lot worse, right? I'm over at my friend Ashley's house. Come get me when you calm down.

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' and before he could say 'Fvck,' the Rottweiler ate
him!"

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped m y butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."