Let's add life to this forum
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 7,029
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From: In the heart of the USSA!
X-RATED RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's the definition of "mixed feelings"?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G- Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's the definition of "mixed feelings"?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G- Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Thread Starter
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 7,029
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From: In the heart of the USSA!
Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.
"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to
go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go vit me on dat ride."
Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to
admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster.
"Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking
roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go vit me on dat roller coaster."
Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up
on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so
bad.
After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump.
"Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose
people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare
ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is
vare I draw da line."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da
same vay."
"Oh, Ole," he says, "vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to
go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von."
Ole, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, "Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go vit me on dat ride."
Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to
admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.
After another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster.
"Oh Ole," says Sven, "Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking
roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat."
"Oh, I don't tink so." says Ole. "Dat looks very dangerous to me."
"Vell," says Sven. "You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go vit me on dat roller coaster."
Again Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up
on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so
bad.
After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump.
"Oofdah!" exclaimed Sven. "Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose
people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare
ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it."
"Oh, I don't tink so," says Ole. "Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is
vare I draw da line."
"Vell," says Sven, "you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't
go up on dat tower and yump off vit me."
"Ya, I give you a good reason," says Ole. "I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da
same vay."
Thread Starter
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 7,029
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From: In the heart of the USSA!
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fu<k or drown."
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fu<k or drown."
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A man is showering up in a locker room with his
buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"It wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've
spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy but it actually made
it grow 4 inches! You Should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same
locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but
I've actually gotten smaller!-- I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!..."
buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"It wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've
spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy but it actually made
it grow 4 inches! You Should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few months later the two are in the same
locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but
I've actually gotten smaller!-- I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!..."
any time soon.
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 7,029
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From: In the heart of the USSA!
Okay, be warned. This one is NSFW and may offend some, you may not want to continue!
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put
off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says,
"Come over here to the window, I want to show you before us, all those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy".
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put
off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says,
"Come over here to the window, I want to show you before us, all those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy".
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 7,029
Likes: 2
From: In the heart of the USSA!
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Aristocratic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Aristocratic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"