Doctor Stories....no Steve - we don't want to hear anymore of yours

> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby

> in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the

> lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed

> that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.


> 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I

> instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

> 3. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

> cardiologist, he informed me (his doctor) that he was having trouble

> with one of his medications.

> "Which one?" I asked.

> "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and

> now I'm running out of places to put it!"

> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

>

> (The instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new

> one.)

> 4. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this

> morning?"

> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used

> to the taste" the patient replied.

> I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet

> labeled "KY Jelly."


> 5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with

> purple

> hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,

> and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that

> the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

> surgery.

> When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff

> noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was

> a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the

> patient's' dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."



> 6. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed

> when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had

> unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst

> out

> laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No

> doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar

> Meyer Wiener".

 

Way to go Granny!

Lawyers should NEVER ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer .............

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

 

11 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T
ADMIT:
>
> 1. Elvis is dead.
> 2. Jesus was not white.
> 3. Rap music is here to stay.
> 4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
> 5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
> 6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
> 7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
> 8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
> 9. An occasional ASS whoopin' helps a child stay in line.
> 10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
>
> 11. NBA is for blacks, SOCCER is for Hispanics, GOLF is for whitey.
>
>
> 11 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T
ADMIT:
>
>
> 1. Hickey's are not attractive.
> 2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
> 3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
> 4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
> 5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
> 6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
> 7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
> 8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion
> statement.
> 9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in
your
> family.
> 10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
>
> 11. Selena is dead.
>
> 11 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T
ADMIT:
>
> 1. O.J. did it.
> 2. Tupac is dead.
> 3. Teeth should not be decorated.
> 4. Weddings should start on time.
> 5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
> 6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
> 7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
> 8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
> 9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
> 10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your
car.
>
> 11. There is no such thing as SCHRIMPS. SHRIMP, is both the singular
& plural for the creature you order in your scampi and cocktail from
Red Lobster.

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Here is a true story:

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her 1st day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The following day, at 8:45, there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line threw open the door and began to rant about his new employee, Lena. He complained that she was incredibly slow and that the entire production line was behind schedule and backing up!

The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up, there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up at the end of the line stood Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began carefully to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager stared for a few seconds, saw what was happening, and burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her. Barely able to keep a straight face, he said, "I think you misunderstood the instructions given you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles ..."

 

My wife, Taska, just sent this to me... In turn, I'm posting here (mostly so that those of you that have not yet met my wife, will understand her better when you do ). You see, she loves her horses soooo much

Thinking of dating or marrying a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:

• Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
• Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
• Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
• A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
• Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
• A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
• Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
• Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
• Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
• Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
• A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
• Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
• A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
• Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on tack, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
• An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
• Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
• A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
• Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
• Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
• Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.

 

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

 

Dear Employee,

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of beingable to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

(1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the #### you're doing.

(2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b*tch.

(3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the #### do you expect me to do this?

(4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No ####in way.

(5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me!

(6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

(7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my ####in problem.

(8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the ####?

(9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.

(10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the #### didn't you tell me sooner?

(11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a$$.

(12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

(13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a$$.

(14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: #### it, I'm on salary.

(15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a$$.

(16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

(17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the #### died and made you boss?

(18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a d!ck.

 

at all of them!

Taska...