^
!!!!


It seems as though all im doing in this thread is posting smileys but damn are these jokes funny

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he
> said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking
> We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
> MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful .. CAREFUL! I
> said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
> Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
> your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget
> to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with
> you?
> You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
> feels like when I m driving

 

Hell Explained by Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
Chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leav ing.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

From Alex :


Subject: Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." "The social worker behind the counter said, Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year. The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

 

WHY PARENTS DRINK

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered,

"No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again! , whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?

 

Translation on the main guy's shirt: "White dudes can't read this."

This is some funny sh... stuff.

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . . "

Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN

 

The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asks, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy sighs. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks, "With whom?"

"With you," he admits with a blush.

"But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a condom."

 

A young woman in a coma is moved to a new room in the hospital. After a few days her nurse notices that every time she sponge bathes the patient around her crotch, the nearby monitor indicates that the patient's vital signs increase significantly.

The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him she thinks oral sex can revive his wife, and he agrees.

When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the husband comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and that she needs a doctor immediately.

The nurse, upset that her idea not only didn't work, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

The husband replied. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".