Dear Alcohol - a letter from your biggest fan
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From: It's a secret!
Dear Alcohol - a letter from your biggest fan
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, & you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you from your biggest fan.
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, & you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you from your biggest fan.
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Joined: Nov 2001
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From: Ventura, California, USA
How true, how true. As I get older though, I have learned to control alcohol and use it for mostly good. Occationally it beats me. A couple of things being a guy that I noted from alcohol in my younger years that you do not see directly are.
1. Strength- How come you lead me to believe that I can kick the ass of not only everyone in the area I'm in, but I can do it at the same time.
2. Jealousy- how come suddenly my girlfriend is hitting on every guy in the bar and every guy that looks at her is trying to take her away from me?
3. Vanity - how come I become so damn attractive that every girl wants me. Suddenly it's as if me and Brad Pitt were hanging together and he's "the ugly one."
4. Dancing - how come I'm suddenly the god of dancing and have the moves of a professional. I'm so slick that every girl wants to dance with me even if she's dancing with her boyfriend at the time.
3 and 4 went away earlier than 1 and 2 for me.
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 800
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From: Fairfax Virginia
oh dear this is deffinately my kind of thread
Aim: why is it that when i go to take a piss, i start to aim after i start peeing?
Depth Perception: why do i always reach for my beer and close my hand over nothing? Why do i think im ashing in the ashtray but end up no where close?
Weight Loss: Why do i feel that if i eat it will take up precious space for alcohol?
Self-Awareness: why is it that stuff can be flicked at me and i wont know where it came from even though theres only one other person in the room?
Alcohol you are the truest friend to me. You understand when i am sad and you make me happy. You are there when i need you. You make a good situation even better. And you give me the courage to do things when sober.
Aim: why is it that when i go to take a piss, i start to aim after i start peeing?
Depth Perception: why do i always reach for my beer and close my hand over nothing? Why do i think im ashing in the ashtray but end up no where close?
Weight Loss: Why do i feel that if i eat it will take up precious space for alcohol?
Self-Awareness: why is it that stuff can be flicked at me and i wont know where it came from even though theres only one other person in the room?
Alcohol you are the truest friend to me. You understand when i am sad and you make me happy. You are there when i need you. You make a good situation even better. And you give me the courage to do things when sober.
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 979
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From: La Selva
I left her. She lies. She cheats. Some of the worst things that have ever happened to me happened when I was with her. She still calls me. A lot lately. I don't answer. Today I received a bottle of premium tequila from a supplier. I'll give to someone else because I know how she is.
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From: Long Island
Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum is my whore, where I frequent my lips upon thee. When it is cold outside, Captain makes you feel all warm inside. Cuddle up with a bottle of captain this new years. Sounds like a mix between as escort service and a liquor add.
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,489
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From: Long Island
I got a good one for you guys. A freshmen rushing my fraternity was acting all tough saying he could drink more than anyone and blah blah. We played cups and he got so drunk he passed out and pissed himself(funniest shit i have ever seen). His pledge name ended up being Solo. Solo is the manufactuer of the cups everyones uses for flip cups, lol.
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