Fellow Married men: Do you have to work hard to get it?
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From: Baltimore
Fellow Married men: Do you have to work hard to get it?
i know i have to earn my brownie points to get some, and those brownie points don't come easy (or cheap, depending on what kind of points i wanna get 
)
how about the other married men here? how hard do you work to get some?
)how about the other married men here? how hard do you work to get some?
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Joined: May 2003
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From: Vegas baby!!
you have to what?!
nonononono. sex or lovemaking is not a form of money. it is not bartered. not in any relationship I've ever been in or ever will be in. that is b.s. sex, if approached and done properly, is mutually pleasurable. even brief sex. random sex. thrilling sex. or of course hours of lovemaking. there's no debt incurred or repaid. this isn't prostitution!
I've been in relationships wherein her and I shared ourselves generously, because the other person was horny, or needed closeness, or whatever the reason because it went unexplained and didn't need to be explained and that's just it. that's part of being in a supportive relationship. my body was hers and her body was mine. she often had other needs that are more difficult to explain, but I was all there, 100% and 100% of the time and she knew that. it was just a given. of course, we asked, and of course, sometimes it just wasn't going to happen because of fatigue or soreness or what-have-you, but it definitely wasn't because it was being used as a bargain chip. no way. not ever.
I was in a long-term relationship with a wonderful girl wherein I remember one time that right after we got through making love I casually mentioned I was a bit hungry (I was gonna motivate myself to get up) and she leaped out of bed to fix me a sandwich and bring it to the bedroom. she even brought a glass of soy milk to enjoy with my PB&J. and I mean, we had just finished making love.
she did this because she loved me. she wanted me to be just as satisfied as she was. at that moment she wasn't hungry and I was, so she did what she could so we could both be mutually satisfied, basking in the post-coital glow. and she liked that she could get up and do that for me, because she knew I appreciated it. I "earned" that by being a loving supporting person in her life, and that's just it, day in and day out. and I've done things for her of a similar nature because I loved and adored her deeply, without hesitation, without measure and without expectation of some sort of return on my "investment".
same girl, on many a weeknight (wherein we had to get up for work the next day-- we lived together), could sense I was horny, or I sweetly hinted it, but we're not in the "let's make love for hours mode" because it's so late, etc. she didn't want me to be stircrazy so she shares herself with me. just like that. because she loves me and doesn't want me stircrazy and hey, it does feel good and she knows I am deeply appreciative, I tell her so, she says she knows it, and we are in love. asking me to pleasuring myself?? she's not having that. no way, not when she can share herself and know how thankful I am for her doing so. and we are sharing our closeness, and love. we are like one body. if my left hand itches, my right hand scratches it. just as natural as that. of course, if it's one of those times that it just isn't happening, we both know it, and I don't bother asking or whatever. because we were so in tune with each other, and we kept the lines of communication clear of clutter.
I wish that relationship could've worked out-- unfortunately her family was not one I could ever see myself being a part of. c'est la vie. (actually, I'm still a bit sad about it) but I still try to create that reality in my current relationships because nothing less will suffice. if I can't create that beauty and closeness and generosity and love with someone, I move on and I move on quickly. life is too short to try to make castles out of mud.
do you know what I do when sex starts becoming a bargaining chip? suddenly, I stop needing it. I'm completely nonchalant either way, until she starts needing me, then I'm receptive and I don't use it as a bargaining chip or any b.s. or hold her previous behavior against her, and then we're back on a 1-to-1, this is a mutually beneficial act that we share. and we move on, as lovers and as friends.
how you accomplish this is up to you, but the important thing is, never ever get mad about not having sex or not making love. be nonchalant. after a week or two of everything else in the relationship being just peachy, everything else being a-ok, and all the love is there, but the sex isn't because she thinks she might use it to manipulate, well things will change. she'll find that she's horny, and will still feel comfortable about approaching you (because you haven't shown any anger, just that hey, sex is not something that controls you), and there ya go. and lemme tell ya, when she finally does approach you, it's f*cking great!
but I'm not married yet, so that may offset my opinion, but I doubt it. this will hold true for the rest of my life, now that I've seen the light.
I feel a bit sorry for you guys wherein the wife dishes out sexual favors in return for gifts or what-have-you. also, I don't tolerate any kind of male-bashing, boyfriend-bashing or eventually husband-bashing-- even in the form of a "joke". nope. this is mutual. we're partners, and we're best friends and we wouldn't ever berate each other, or feel that we owed each other anything. what a sad sad relationship that is, when it's more like a business partnership, with some kind of sexual balance sheet and funky bookkeeping.
those rings should never be a shackle. they're wings. they're a gift, and they symbolize the most precious friendship you hope to ever have. nothing less will suffice. life is too short to settle for less.
EDIT: godd*mn that's a lot of personal stuff I just blurted out. I feel it's kinda important, so I guess I'll leave it. :redfaced:
nonononono. sex or lovemaking is not a form of money. it is not bartered. not in any relationship I've ever been in or ever will be in. that is b.s. sex, if approached and done properly, is mutually pleasurable. even brief sex. random sex. thrilling sex. or of course hours of lovemaking. there's no debt incurred or repaid. this isn't prostitution!
I've been in relationships wherein her and I shared ourselves generously, because the other person was horny, or needed closeness, or whatever the reason because it went unexplained and didn't need to be explained and that's just it. that's part of being in a supportive relationship. my body was hers and her body was mine. she often had other needs that are more difficult to explain, but I was all there, 100% and 100% of the time and she knew that. it was just a given. of course, we asked, and of course, sometimes it just wasn't going to happen because of fatigue or soreness or what-have-you, but it definitely wasn't because it was being used as a bargain chip. no way. not ever.
I was in a long-term relationship with a wonderful girl wherein I remember one time that right after we got through making love I casually mentioned I was a bit hungry (I was gonna motivate myself to get up) and she leaped out of bed to fix me a sandwich and bring it to the bedroom. she even brought a glass of soy milk to enjoy with my PB&J. and I mean, we had just finished making love.
she did this because she loved me. she wanted me to be just as satisfied as she was. at that moment she wasn't hungry and I was, so she did what she could so we could both be mutually satisfied, basking in the post-coital glow. and she liked that she could get up and do that for me, because she knew I appreciated it. I "earned" that by being a loving supporting person in her life, and that's just it, day in and day out. and I've done things for her of a similar nature because I loved and adored her deeply, without hesitation, without measure and without expectation of some sort of return on my "investment".
same girl, on many a weeknight (wherein we had to get up for work the next day-- we lived together), could sense I was horny, or I sweetly hinted it, but we're not in the "let's make love for hours mode" because it's so late, etc. she didn't want me to be stircrazy so she shares herself with me. just like that. because she loves me and doesn't want me stircrazy and hey, it does feel good and she knows I am deeply appreciative, I tell her so, she says she knows it, and we are in love. asking me to pleasuring myself?? she's not having that. no way, not when she can share herself and know how thankful I am for her doing so. and we are sharing our closeness, and love. we are like one body. if my left hand itches, my right hand scratches it. just as natural as that. of course, if it's one of those times that it just isn't happening, we both know it, and I don't bother asking or whatever. because we were so in tune with each other, and we kept the lines of communication clear of clutter.
I wish that relationship could've worked out-- unfortunately her family was not one I could ever see myself being a part of. c'est la vie. (actually, I'm still a bit sad about it) but I still try to create that reality in my current relationships because nothing less will suffice. if I can't create that beauty and closeness and generosity and love with someone, I move on and I move on quickly. life is too short to try to make castles out of mud.
do you know what I do when sex starts becoming a bargaining chip? suddenly, I stop needing it. I'm completely nonchalant either way, until she starts needing me, then I'm receptive and I don't use it as a bargaining chip or any b.s. or hold her previous behavior against her, and then we're back on a 1-to-1, this is a mutually beneficial act that we share. and we move on, as lovers and as friends.
how you accomplish this is up to you, but the important thing is, never ever get mad about not having sex or not making love. be nonchalant. after a week or two of everything else in the relationship being just peachy, everything else being a-ok, and all the love is there, but the sex isn't because she thinks she might use it to manipulate, well things will change. she'll find that she's horny, and will still feel comfortable about approaching you (because you haven't shown any anger, just that hey, sex is not something that controls you), and there ya go. and lemme tell ya, when she finally does approach you, it's f*cking great!
but I'm not married yet, so that may offset my opinion, but I doubt it. this will hold true for the rest of my life, now that I've seen the light.
I feel a bit sorry for you guys wherein the wife dishes out sexual favors in return for gifts or what-have-you. also, I don't tolerate any kind of male-bashing, boyfriend-bashing or eventually husband-bashing-- even in the form of a "joke". nope. this is mutual. we're partners, and we're best friends and we wouldn't ever berate each other, or feel that we owed each other anything. what a sad sad relationship that is, when it's more like a business partnership, with some kind of sexual balance sheet and funky bookkeeping.
those rings should never be a shackle. they're wings. they're a gift, and they symbolize the most precious friendship you hope to ever have. nothing less will suffice. life is too short to settle for less.
EDIT: godd*mn that's a lot of personal stuff I just blurted out. I feel it's kinda important, so I guess I'll leave it. :redfaced:
