The Lawyer
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From: St. Pete, Florida
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."
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From: Torrance
A defense attorney, cross-examining a pathologist, asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the pulse?"
Pathologist: "No"
Attorney: "Did you listen to the heart?"
Pathologist: "No"
Attorney: "Did you check for breathing?"
Pathologist: "No"
Attorney: "So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
Pathologist: "Well, let me put it this way: The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Pathologist: "No"
Attorney: "Did you listen to the heart?"
Pathologist: "No"
Attorney: "Did you check for breathing?"
Pathologist: "No"
Attorney: "So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
Pathologist: "Well, let me put it this way: The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out practicing law somewhere."
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From: Torrance
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going
to the church 5 miles down the road, "replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer.
Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit a lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. " I got him with the door."
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going
to the church 5 miles down the road, "replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer.
Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit a lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. " I got him with the door."
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QUOTE ( @ Nov 2 2000, 03:44 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going
to the church 5 miles down the road, "replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer.
Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit a lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. " I got him with the door." [/QUOTE]
I'm resurrecting a 6 year old thread
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going
to the church 5 miles down the road, "replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer.
Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit a lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. " I got him with the door." [/QUOTE]
I'm resurrecting a 6 year old thread
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 16,759
Likes: 1
From: Sun★Works
90% of the jokes in the world are disparaging against some form of human trait or profession. Lighten up
I suppose jokes about say...whores or strippers are OK but somerthing as respectable as a lawyer should be policed? whores are people too.
racial jokes and religious jokes are one thing but jokes about a profession are as benign as they come.
Lawyers are joked about because of the stigma surrounding some of them. you dont see too many jokes about bakers, why? because they dont have much for us to talk about.
There are worse things to be concerned about on this site IMHO.
I suppose jokes about say...whores or strippers are OK but somerthing as respectable as a lawyer should be policed? whores are people too.
racial jokes and religious jokes are one thing but jokes about a profession are as benign as they come.
Lawyers are joked about because of the stigma surrounding some of them. you dont see too many jokes about bakers, why? because they dont have much for us to talk about.
There are worse things to be concerned about on this site IMHO.
Former Moderator
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 18,852
Likes: 1
From: New York
</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE ( @ Oct 23 2000, 06:22 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> I can't lock this since I'm not a moderator for this forum, but as funny as these jokes might be, they can also be highly offensive. Can we please try to be a little more respectful?
Jay
Jay
Former Moderator
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 18,852
Likes: 1
From: New York
Here are some offensive ones.... 
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: What�s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Not really offensive, just funny...
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: What�s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Not really offensive, just funny...
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.