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From: Louisville, KY
Generally, a bartender's life is a happy one. People pay top dollar for the unique services they bring, and by far, the result is an increase in joy. The most joyous occasions are those in which the bartender joins the patrons in a libation and buys a round for the house. That is when our benefactor finds friends galore, all of whom are hoping to share in the bounty. However, when closing time rolls around and it is time to clean the place up, then, all those previous friends evaporate. Then, it is that the bartender is left alone to prepare the premises for the morrow. Truly, it is said, . . . "Quaff and the world quaffs with you; sweep and you sweep alone."
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From: Louisville
In the spirit of the holidays...
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 785
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From: Louisville, KY
[QUOTE]Originally posted by TimTheFoolMan
[B]In the spirit of the holidays...
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
[B]In the spirit of the holidays...
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
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Joined: Jun 2001
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From: Louisville, KY
THE CHEATING PAINTER
There was a painter who cheated his customers by thinning his paint with turpentine. This went on for years.
He got a contract to paint one of the local churches and as usual, he thinned his paint with turpentine in order to make a bigger profit.
The day he was finishing the church a thunderstorm came up - heavy rain, lightening; the works. A crash of lightening knocked him off the scaffolding and he landed in the church graveyard among the headstones.
Afraid, he prayed,
There was a painter who cheated his customers by thinning his paint with turpentine. This went on for years.
He got a contract to paint one of the local churches and as usual, he thinned his paint with turpentine in order to make a bigger profit.
The day he was finishing the church a thunderstorm came up - heavy rain, lightening; the works. A crash of lightening knocked him off the scaffolding and he landed in the church graveyard among the headstones.
Afraid, he prayed,
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From: Louisville, KY
A pirate captain was out to retrieve his buried treasure.
After months of hard sailing his ship caught site of land,
the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and
his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the
buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep with-
in a swamp at the center of the island.
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and
the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.
Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet,
then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was
covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain
banged his shin against something hard. He reached down,
searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.
Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels
beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate
and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that
booty is only shin deep!"
After months of hard sailing his ship caught site of land,
the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and
his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the
buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep with-
in a swamp at the center of the island.
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and
the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.
Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet,
then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was
covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain
banged his shin against something hard. He reached down,
searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.
Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels
beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate
and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that
booty is only shin deep!"
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 2,774
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From: Central USA
Here you go John:
Joke of the Day
Thursday January 2, 2003
An elderly man visited his doctor and asked for Viagra.
"How many pills did you want?" his doctor asked.
"Oh, maybe six or seven. I cut each one into four pieces," the elderly man explained.
"Four pieces? That's too small a dose to get you through sex!" the doctor told him.
"Sir, I'm over eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore."
The doctor looked puzzled. "Then why do you want Viagra?"
"I'm tired of peeing on my shoes!"
Joke of the Day
Thursday January 2, 2003
An elderly man visited his doctor and asked for Viagra.
"How many pills did you want?" his doctor asked.
"Oh, maybe six or seven. I cut each one into four pieces," the elderly man explained.
"Four pieces? That's too small a dose to get you through sex!" the doctor told him.
"Sir, I'm over eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore."
The doctor looked puzzled. "Then why do you want Viagra?"
"I'm tired of peeing on my shoes!"
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