Official Humor Thread
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Originally Posted by spapdx,Jan 30 2006, 01:17 PM
Got this one off ebaums world... my sister just had a baby so I found this one to be extra funny -
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
That's a good one.
Joined: Oct 2003
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From: MAHT-O-MEDI
Borrowed from Robin Williams from the movie "The Aristocrats"
A rabbi with a frog on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Where did you get THAT thing?"
The frog answers, "Brooklyn. There's hundreds of em."
A rabbi with a frog on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Where did you get THAT thing?"
The frog answers, "Brooklyn. There's hundreds of em."
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From: Toledo
A penguin ready and anxious to see new parts of the world has been saving money for 3 years to take a vacation across the world. When he is finally set to go he hops into his car and takes off.
Once he gets to the desert his car overheats. Calls in a tow and heads to the nearest mechanic. He asks the mechanic if there is an ice cream shop nearby he can go to while he fixes the car. He is told there is one right down the street and when he gets back, the mechanic should know what is wrong with the car.
Upon getting back - The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "Looks like you blew a seal" the penguin replies " Oh oh, no that is just some icecream on my lip" and whipes his mouth off.
Once he gets to the desert his car overheats. Calls in a tow and heads to the nearest mechanic. He asks the mechanic if there is an ice cream shop nearby he can go to while he fixes the car. He is told there is one right down the street and when he gets back, the mechanic should know what is wrong with the car.
Upon getting back - The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "Looks like you blew a seal" the penguin replies " Oh oh, no that is just some icecream on my lip" and whipes his mouth off.
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From: Farmington Hills
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.
"Yes," she says, I remember it well.
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
"Yes," she says, I remember it well.
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Thread Starter
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Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he
said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said
"Never mind. I found one "
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he
said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said
"Never mind. I found one "