Official Humor Thread
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,651
Likes: 407
From: Plattsburgh, NY
New Beer Warning Labels
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Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA
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Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 8,085
Likes: 0
From: 3rd bedroom on the right
BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that 's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
And .
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that 's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
And .
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 8,085
Likes: 0
From: 3rd bedroom on the right
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding down one of the corridors when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Willard popped out in front of her. "Stop!" he said, "Where's your proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Willard nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
One day, Ethel was speeding down one of the corridors when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Willard popped out in front of her. "Stop!" he said, "Where's your proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Willard nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 8,085
Likes: 0
From: 3rd bedroom on the right
The meaning of true friendship......
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.
So true...
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.
So true...
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,003
Likes: 5
From: I live in an ER
Got this in an email today
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
5 year old son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on,
get your asses in the train...cause we're going down
the tracks. "
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train...but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.
She heard her little darling continue... "For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking
in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
5 year old son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son saying, "All you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on,
get your asses in the train...cause we're going down
the tracks. "
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with your train...but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember your things, thank you
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon.
She heard her little darling continue... "For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking
in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 5,279
Likes: 0
From: Tha OC!
Originally Posted by iRkennethMe,Jan 30 2006, 08:59 AM
can we post dirty jokes?! oh well i'm doing it anyways. send me nasty PM if you don't like it.
There are these 2 guys playing golf at a golf course. as they are playing, a another guy catches up with them. instead of waiting for the two guys to be done he asked if he could just join. the two men agreed. after playing for a while. they get to know each other, they start to tell each other their profession. the first guy says he's a dentist, second guy says he's a teacher, and the new guy was a little reluctant to say at 1st but tells them he's a hit man. the two men were little surprised, and asked him to prove it. so he went into his golf bag and pulled out a sniper rifle. they are really impressed and asked if they can see the rifle. the hitman mentions that the rifle scope can see up to 5 miles. so the dentist was really impressed. and used it to look towards his house. as he is looking towards his house with the sniper rifle he see's his wife at his house, but also see's his neighbor. the dentist says, "W.T.F.! my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!!! she lied to me that b****" he asks the hit man, "how much for a bullet?" he says, "500 dollars a bullet." the dentist reponses, "kinda pricey but i'll pay, i want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for lying to me and shoot my neighbor in the d*** for banging my wife." the hit man gets in the prone position and aims for a good 20 mins. the dentist gets impatient and asks; "whats taking so long?" the hitman respones, "hold up almost there im trying to save you 500 dollars!"
There are these 2 guys playing golf at a golf course. as they are playing, a another guy catches up with them. instead of waiting for the two guys to be done he asked if he could just join. the two men agreed. after playing for a while. they get to know each other, they start to tell each other their profession. the first guy says he's a dentist, second guy says he's a teacher, and the new guy was a little reluctant to say at 1st but tells them he's a hit man. the two men were little surprised, and asked him to prove it. so he went into his golf bag and pulled out a sniper rifle. they are really impressed and asked if they can see the rifle. the hitman mentions that the rifle scope can see up to 5 miles. so the dentist was really impressed. and used it to look towards his house. as he is looking towards his house with the sniper rifle he see's his wife at his house, but also see's his neighbor. the dentist says, "W.T.F.! my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!!! she lied to me that b****" he asks the hit man, "how much for a bullet?" he says, "500 dollars a bullet." the dentist reponses, "kinda pricey but i'll pay, i want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for lying to me and shoot my neighbor in the d*** for banging my wife." the hit man gets in the prone position and aims for a good 20 mins. the dentist gets impatient and asks; "whats taking so long?" the hitman respones, "hold up almost there im trying to save you 500 dollars!"
Registered User
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 417
Likes: 0
From: Toledo
Kinda long but a good one IMO.
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Night fall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer wen back into the house.
Well as the story goes, the farmers daughter came down from upstairs and asked "Who was that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter asked "did you offer the man anything to eat?". "Gee, no, I did not" the farmer replied.
The daughter said "Well I'm going to take him some food" She went into the kitchen and prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes we're all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later the farmers wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I told a man he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food". "Oh" replied the wife. "Well did you offer the man anything to drink?" "umm, no I did not" said the farmer.
The wife then said "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes where also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "wheres the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father. "He left several minutes ago" he answered.
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me"
"WHAT?" Shouted the father.
The farmer then ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him "I'm gonna get you!! You had sex with my daughter!!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,
"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
And that my friends, is how yodeling began.
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Night fall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer wen back into the house.
Well as the story goes, the farmers daughter came down from upstairs and asked "Who was that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter asked "did you offer the man anything to eat?". "Gee, no, I did not" the farmer replied.
The daughter said "Well I'm going to take him some food" She went into the kitchen and prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes we're all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later the farmers wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I told a man he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food". "Oh" replied the wife. "Well did you offer the man anything to drink?" "umm, no I did not" said the farmer.
The wife then said "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes where also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "wheres the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father. "He left several minutes ago" he answered.
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me"
"WHAT?" Shouted the father.
The farmer then ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him "I'm gonna get you!! You had sex with my daughter!!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,
"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
And that my friends, is how yodeling began.
