I like that one.

 

more more!

 

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.

 

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

 

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

 

One last one. You guys might have already read this, but it's still pretty funny.

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00

But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right...

 

One day, a Panda decides to move away from the jungle, and give city life a try. So he packs up, moves to the city and rents himself an apartment.
After a couple of days in the city, the Panda gets bored, and decides to go for a walk, and find some action in his new surroundings.
Eventually, he comes across a Hooker who asks him if he wants to go back to her place for some 'fun'.
The Panda thinks about it for a minute, and eventually agrees.
When they get to the Hooker's apartment, she asks him what he'd like to do.
The Panda replies "I'd like to go down on you for a while"
So the Panda goes down and 'licks out her honeypot'.
After a while, he stops and the Hooker asks him what he'd like to do now.
The Panda says "I'd like to get on top of you, and do my little Panda-thing".
So the Panda gets on top of the Hooker and does his little Panda-thing.
When he finishes, he hops off of her and starts heading for the door.
The Hooker says "Hey Panda, where do you think you're going?"
He innocently replies "I'm done... I'm going home"
The Hooker says "Come here a minute"
So, the Panda walks over to the bed, and sits down. The Hooker pulls out a dictionary, sits down beside him. She then flips through to P and points out 'Prostitute' to him.
Seeing that he doesn't understand, she says "Prostitute : Someone who has sex for money"
The Panda says "Let me see that for a minute"
He takes the dictionary, flips to Panda and says to her "Panda : Eats, Chutes and Leaves"

 

Just got this today -

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the
United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, 'Thank you, Mr. American for letting me in this country
and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free
education!'
But the passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you
for having such a beautiful country here in America!'
The person says, 'I no American. I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says,'Thank you for the wonderful
America!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East,
I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, 'Are you an
American?'
She says, 'No I am from Russia!'
So he is puzzled and asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...'Probably at
work.'

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you're not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.