George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5
minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him
that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30
minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her
that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes
him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and
talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil
informed him that there would be no charge for the call and
feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil
why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA ,
the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

that's funking awesome...

 

WIN!

 

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Picking a Wife
A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with The money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest t!t$

 

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Report to moderator Logged

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what
happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her
ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I
walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf
ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my
mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the t!ts."

 

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night, and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a back rub.

"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?"

"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

 

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh!t when you hear the price!"

 

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."

"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.

The drunk replies, "Ummm, yeah... he crapped in my pants, too."