Real Life Dilbert-isms
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Real Life Dilbert-isms
Received via email, so take with a grain of salt. Still funny though 
.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."(This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll
let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the
memo
in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by
one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that
the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I
was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made
a copy of
the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that no
words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)
.A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."(This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll
let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the
memo
in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by
one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that
the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I
was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her
company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made
a copy of
the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that no
words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)
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