damn raptor sounds like you had a fiero

 

Jeez raptor... Maybe i'd like to list my accomplishments/escapades here... don't know though. It might be a little too vulgar for S2ki...

 

what's the joke

 

How about this...

50 things guys wish girls knew...... (repost/reminder)

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1. If you want to cuddle after sex go buy a teddy bear.

2. Swallow. Don't start the race if you ain't gonna finish it.

3. While giving a hand job please remove all rings from your fingers, they hurt really bad.

4. Shave your shit. Seriously, shave it bald.

5. Remember that a little blood never hurt nobody.

6. There is no such thing as a fat, ugly, blow job.

7. If you ask us to any sort of dance that requires that we wear a tie, we expect a sexual favor in return.

8. If you used a vibrator and let us watch it might be the greatest moment of our life.

9. If you wonder why we will not eat you out it is most likely because; it stinks, its hairy, or it stinks and its hairy.

10. You masturbate and we know it. When you do it just let us watch.

11. Birth control is the best invention ever. Start poppin those bitches.

12. Just cause we call you when we are drunk does not mean that we like you. It means that we need some ass.

`13. Guys night out means guys night out. It doesn't mean that you and your friends meet us at the bar later.

14. If you wonder why your ass looks fat in those tight pants its because you have a fat ass.

15. If you are with us and you start to cry for any reason just get up and leave.

16. Don't think that we don't know that after we take you out and you order a salad to make us think you eat healthy that you go home and order pizza with your fat friends.

17. Once again, seriously shave your shit.

18. Just cause you get our dick one night, does not give you any right to get it the next.

19. If we drink too much, we do not need someone to hold our hair back and act like our babysitter. We have puked before and know how to handle it.

20. After we are through with you, do not expect to make us jealous by ****ing our friends. We really don't care what you do.

21. If we cheat on you and you never find out about it, then its not cheating.

22. If we cheat on you and you do find out, at least it wasn't with one of your friends.

23. Swallow(just in case you forgot #2 already).

24. We don't have a problem with watching chick flicks as long as we get in your pants after.

25. Never under any circumstance take a shit while you are around us or fart. Just thinking about it makes us sick.

26. While giving us head don't be afraid to fondle our testicles, they don't bite.

27. If you are gonna jerk us off aim properly, a nut can irritate your eye.

28. Always remember that men are the superior sex and back in the day you had to ask us if you could speak.

29. If we're about to have sex and we decline because we don't have a rubber its not because we're scared we're gonna get you pregnant, its that we're scared we're gonna catch something from your dirty skank ass.

30. If you swallow like you should, do not expect us to kiss you after. Sorry that's just the way it is.

31. I don't care if you do have a flavored condom, you just don't give a blow job with a condom on. Would you like us to eat you out with a dental damn?? I didn't think so.

32. If we're doing it doggy style there is no reason to turn around and look at us, we're focused on your ass cheeks and that slapping sound.

33. Blood stains on our bed sheets come off with cold water, so make sure you scrub them thoroughly before leaving.

34. When we go down on you to munch on your rug and we instantly start sucking on the inner thighs rather than the clit, its because your clit smells like a dead trout.

35. If you let us donkey punch you we will owe you for life.

36. Just cause we have sex with you when we are drunk does not mean that you are pretty or that we like you. It means that you were our only choice.

37. If we dance with you for more than 15 minutes at a bar we expect you to come home with us.

38. If you think that you are ugly, we probably do too.

39. Don't count on us saying we love you, its just not going to happen.

40. If for some reason we do say we love you its only because we want to have sex immediately after we say it.

41. Just cause you have our phone number doesn't mean we want you to call us. If we want to talk then we will call you.

42. If you invite us over to watch a movie it would be awesome if we watched a $$$$$$ instead of a movie.

43. If you can't dance then you most likely suck in bed. So stop trying to dance and start having more sex.

44. Hmmmmm......girls in thongs.......yummmmmmmmmm

45. If you are fat the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to give great blow jobs. Sorry that's just the way it is.

46. A sure way to keep a guy around for awhile is to have anal sex with him. We can't put into words how it feels.

47. You don't have to ask our permission to make out with another chick. Just do it but make sure we are there to watch.

48. In case you didn't read #4 and #17 let me repeat...Shave your shit!

49. Guys don't have sex or make love, we ****.

50. You can impress us if you can swallow our entire load without dripping or wiping your mouth afterwards.

 

Something I wrote a little while back, it was published in a local alternative news paper. You can tell by number 24 that this was definitely written a while back.

[QUOTE]You know, 26 years and I think I've learned a few things.... These are my mistakes don't let them be yours!

1.) Never buy cocaine from a guy who drives a shittier car than you do. It's okay to buy weed from a guy driving an '89 civic, but not the good shit.

2.) In Vegas, guys on the street pass out little cards with a hooker's picture, phone number and a price of $49.95. Don't believe that price; they cost way more then 50 bucks!

3.) When you're about to sleep with a girl and you happen to not have a condom and she tells you "Don't worry, I just got tested", don't sleep with her: she's a dirty whore and will give you an STD, maybe one you've never even heard of like Molluscum. What the **** is Molluscum?!?

4.) If a girl begins a blow job by sucking on your balls, she knows what she's doing. If a girl begins a blow job by actually blowing on your dick, she doesn't know what she's doing.

5.) If you ever find yourself in Iraq and you don't feel like wearing your body armor because it's too hot outside, you deserve to die. Always wear the body armor. ****. I mean the guy from "Halo" wears it and he's much more of a bad ass than you are.

6.) If your girlfriend ever comes up to you and tells you that she'll give you one free night to do whatever you want with whomever you want, break up with the bitch on the spot! She's already cheated on you and she just wants you to do the same thing so she doesn't feel like such a slut. Plus, most likely, she has an STD and is hoping she can eventually blame it on you.

7.) If you're ever at Harpos talking to a girl and she has a tongue ring and she tells you that she got it just because she thinks it looks cool; she's lying. This girl is in fact a dirty slut who likes to suck dick: buy her two more drinks and take her back to your place!

8.) If you just bought a Rolex for $20 off a guy on the street who swears that it's real...he's a lying bastard. Everyone knows that even stolen Rolexes go for at least $200.

9.) If your buddy ever tells you that he ****s a lot of chicks, he's probably not lying. If he ever tells you that he's never ****ed a fat ugly chick, he's lying. If you catch him in that lie and he tells you it was only once, he's lying.

10.) If you meet the woman of your dreams and she ****s you the first night you meet her and she lets you stick your finger in her ass, trust me- she's not the woman of your dreams.
11.) If your girlfriend suddenly starts hanging out with her "long lost" best friend, alone, a lot, and she never invites you out with the two of them and he's a guy - she's cheating on you

12.) Chicks dig guys who are funny; chicks dig really good-looking guys. So, if you're not funny or good-looking - you need to make a lot of money. Cause, chicks dig rich guys way more then they do funny good-looking guys.

13.) A really bad way to pick up a chick is to wear a wedding ring and when she asks if you're married you say, "Yes...I mean, no... I mean...my wife - she died in a car accident 6 months ago, and I just can't take off the ring...I miss her so much...." Because, you know what's going to wind up happening? You're going to end up marrying this bitch and then she's going to die in a car accident. Now you really ****ed up... unless you took out a nice life insurance policy on her.

14.) Another really bad way to pick up a chick is to be talking to her, and then ask her what her most embarrassing moment is. She's going to tell you something stupid, like how she farted in the 6th grade in the cafeteria in front of the whole school. Then, if she's thinking about sucking your dick, she's going to ask what yours is. So, of course, you tell her about the time when you were 21 and how some random girl was sucking your dick in your buddy's bathroom and she asked you how much longer it was going to take, and you told her the rest of the night unless the two of you ****ed and then she said that she couldn't do that because she was only seventeen. Trust me; your buddies are the only ones who think that story is funny.

15.) If you're out and you decide to pick up chicks using a fake name and fake occupation (Rex Volcano - Private Investigator; Hunter Grayson - M.D.; Cash McMogulson III; Frogger Larson - Ex minor league baseball pitcher for the Memphis Redbirds; etc.) make sure that you remember your "name" and your "occupation". Also, it helps if you know a little something about your "occupation", because you never know when the girl you're hitting on, as Hunter Grayson, is a real doctor.

16.) If a girl is over 21 and she tells you she's only had sex with four people, multiple that number by at least five. If you go home with her the first night and she sucks your dick, then starts licking your ass...multiply that number by at least fifty.

17.) Girls tell you that they want a nice sensitive guy who's in touch with his feelings. That's a load of shit! Go ahead, watch The Notebook with a chick, start crying... guarantee she's going to get a "headache" and ask you to go home. Once you leave, she's going to call her ex-boyfriend (the one who treated her like shit and cheated on her more times then you've had sex your entire life), have him come over and **** his brains out. Why? Because that cocksucker doesn't ****ing cry during The Notebook!

18.) If your girlfriend ever thinks she's pregnant, don't get mad at her and tell her that she did it on purpose to trap you with her for the rest of your miserable life.

19.) Never piss off God or a guy named Juan Ortiz that works the kitchen at the Kriegers at Dorsett and McKelvey. God doesn't drink gallons of Tequila and carry a knife.

20.) If you're ever at a party and meet a really hot chick who has connections and can get you tickets to pretty much any sporting event there is; talk to her! If she starts flirting with you, flirt back. If she wants to leave the party and go "somewhere else", go with her. **** the fact that you have a girlfriend, because...to be honest, you've been meaning to break up with her anyway. Don't **** this one up, because if you will

 

lol, those are both great

 

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I cant wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story thats not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

Was learning cursive really necessary?

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just arent doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes dont win, they are executed.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I wonder if the mailman who lives next door to me gets upset when he sees me throwing away all the junk mail and circulars he delivers every day.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

 

This made me

 

LOL I stole one of those and put it on my facebook and passed it off as my own. You better not steal my thunder Rajina!

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin-Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.