A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

 

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many
women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I
always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This
numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He
heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he
jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife
stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

 

BUGS BE GONE

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pestcontrol company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are
you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."

 

Peep Show

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.
In walks her husband

 

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.


But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter? "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.


The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

 

For anyone who feels they

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Nin009
[B]A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Colin
[B]For anyone who feels they

 

The local church shelter was in dire need of renovation but they didn't have enough money in the collection boxes to hire a contractor. So, in order to save money the Monsignor and two of the nuns decided to do much of the work themselves.

The monsignor had to run to the local hardware store for supplies and decided to leave the nuns on their own to paint the recreation room. "Now, Sister Mary and Sister Catherine", said the monsignor. "Make sure you finish up the rec room while I'm gone then make sure you're ready for this evening's services".

It was already getting late and the sisters had alot of painting ahead of them. "Sister Mary", said Sister Catherine. "We'll never be able to finish all this painting and still have time to change into clean habits for church services". "You're right," replied Sister Catherine, "but I've got an idea". "No one else is around so we can just remove our habits while we paint and this way our clothes will be clean for services this evening."

The sisters agreed this was really their only option and removed their clothes, put them away to avoid any paint spills and began painting with great earnest.

A short time later there came a knock at the door. "Who's there?", inquired a very nervous Sister Catherine. "Blind man", came the reply. The paint-splattered Sister Catherine turned to the equally smudged Sister Mary, "He's early for services but we can't leave a blind man out in the cold. If we put our habits back on now we'll only soil them and be late for evening services."

Sister Mary replied, "Well, he is blind so there would be no harm in letting him in to wait while we finish painting".

Sister Catherine opens the door and the blind man says, "Nice tits, so where do you want me to put these blinds"

 

There was a typical blond. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut
and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep" she said.
"Well thank you" said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you" said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure" said the sheep herder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" Queried the woman.
If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"