The shapely woman was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, Madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"

 

#1,2,4 and 5 were LOL!

 

Two guy are having a conversation at a pickle factory.

"You know Jed. Every time I walk by the pickle slicer, I just want to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

Jed replies, "Don't do it. I speak from experience. I did it a year ago."

"Well, what happened?"

Jed replies, "I got fired."

"What else happened?"

Jed replies, "She got fired too."

 

keep 'em coming guys

Oh, and here is my contribution:

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples
from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

 

i dont get it

 

When you read about the pickle slicer...it sounds like a mechanical device...and you wonder...why in the heck would anyhone want to do that? And when you read that his friend warns him not too...you wonder if he got jacked by the machine.

You then find out that the pickle slicer is actually a woman.

 

while superman was flying around town he spots wonderwoman with his x-ray vision lying naked on top of the justice league.

he says to himself, "i'm the man of steel and i'm quicker than a silver bullet. i bet i can swoop down there and have my way with her and she won't even notice."

in a blink of an eye a quick breeze goes by. she open her eyes and says "what was that?"

the invisible man replies, "i don't know what that was but my ass hurts."

 

OUCH

 

In honor of Halloween:

What do people in West Virginia do for Halloween?


Pumpkin

 

BAD DAY AT WORK

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep arm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry ecompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"