Why English Sucks
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From: Palo Alto
Why English Sucks
To continue with Schatten's Engrish thread.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) The bear couldn't bear the pain. -Matthew Sairs
23) Carrying a tire might tire you out. -Matthew Sairs
24) There is no president for how the president acted. -ArtKing1239
25) There is neither pine nor apple in a pineapple.
26) If teachers taught, did preachers praught?
27) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
28) There is no ham in a hamburger.
29) Pick up one oar or two oars. -BaDKiTtY2610
30) Sign the sign with your sign. -BaDKiTtY2610
31) Do you see the dew? -BaDKiTtY2610
32) There is no cheese in a cheesecake. -Kasper
33) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat? -Kasper
34) Boxing Rings are squares. -Sandy
35) Quicksand works slowly. -Sandy
taken from http://maxpages.com/kornyjokekornr/Why_English_Sucks
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) The bear couldn't bear the pain. -Matthew Sairs
23) Carrying a tire might tire you out. -Matthew Sairs
24) There is no president for how the president acted. -ArtKing1239
25) There is neither pine nor apple in a pineapple.
26) If teachers taught, did preachers praught?
27) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
28) There is no ham in a hamburger.
29) Pick up one oar or two oars. -BaDKiTtY2610
30) Sign the sign with your sign. -BaDKiTtY2610
31) Do you see the dew? -BaDKiTtY2610
32) There is no cheese in a cheesecake. -Kasper
33) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat? -Kasper
34) Boxing Rings are squares. -Sandy
35) Quicksand works slowly. -Sandy
taken from http://maxpages.com/kornyjokekornr/Why_English_Sucks
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More fun with English. 
Winners of this year's Bulwer Lytton contest (run by
the English Dept. of San Jose State University),
wherein one writes only the first line of a bad
novel.
(Lytton was responsible for opening a novel: "It was a dark and stormy night"...)
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, & a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body & soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of he word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger & spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, &, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
Winners of this year's Bulwer Lytton contest (run by
the English Dept. of San Jose State University),
wherein one writes only the first line of a bad
novel.
(Lytton was responsible for opening a novel: "It was a dark and stormy night"...)
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, & a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body & soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of he word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger & spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, &, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
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From: St. Pete, Florida
More of the same:
------------ The English Language-----------------
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French
fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,
2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
coming or going!!!
Also:
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? That's silly! Meese is the collective plural of mouse, except when one is refering to more than one individual; as in "I hate meeses to pieces!" One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
------------ The English Language-----------------
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is
in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French
fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,
2 lice. One house, 2 hice?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as
heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill
in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by
going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and
off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is
coming or going!!!
Also:
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? That's silly! Meese is the collective plural of mouse, except when one is refering to more than one individual; as in "I hate meeses to pieces!" One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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