Joke of the Day Thread!
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Joined: Aug 2002
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From: Huntington, WV
Subject: Black Boxes for Autos
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders
in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine the
cause of fatal accidents, esp. the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.
They were not surprised to find that in 38 of the 50 states the
recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh Shit!"
However, the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi,
Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders
in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine the
cause of fatal accidents, esp. the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.
They were not surprised to find that in 38 of the 50 states the
recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
"Oh Shit!"
However, the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi,
Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final
words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 21,530
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From: Gleening the apex
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American engineer says "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says "Fill it with water."
Registered User
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From: Gleening the apex
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when your on the road.
#8. If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when your on the road.
#8. If you admire a friends gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, Do these new grips make me look fat?
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
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From: Findlay
A DRUNKEN STORY
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing
a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing
a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
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From: Huntington, WV
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Joined: Jul 2001
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From: Findlay
Texans
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks, like I said, and my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of"WOW!"
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how
much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious."What happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised!"
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks, like I said, and my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of"WOW!"
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how
much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious."What happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised!"
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From: Gleening the apex
A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" he asked. The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen,I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!" "No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
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From: Gleening the apex
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From: Dublin, OH
A pirate is being interviewed by a reporter.
"Tell me how you got the hook for a hand?" the reporter asks.
"Argh, it was a terrible sea battle, it was, and I lost it in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"Well, me parrot flew up to the crow's nest and started making a terrible racket. I looked up to see what was going on, and just then a seagull flew over and took a crap in me eye."
"C'mon, that wasn't enough for you to lose your eye?"
"It was the first day with me hook."
"Tell me how you got the hook for a hand?" the reporter asks.
"Argh, it was a terrible sea battle, it was, and I lost it in a sword fight."
"And the eye patch?"
"Well, me parrot flew up to the crow's nest and started making a terrible racket. I looked up to see what was going on, and just then a seagull flew over and took a crap in me eye."
"C'mon, that wasn't enough for you to lose your eye?"
"It was the first day with me hook."