Joke of the Day Thread!
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 6,891
Likes: 0
From: Westerville OH
Originally Posted by StwoK,Apr 27 2006, 08:57 AM
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,932
Likes: 58
From: Ohio
Originally Posted by StwoK,Apr 27 2006, 09:57 AM
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."
nice one
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8,361
Likes: 0
From: Huntington, WV
Mike was in BIG trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning she looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway.
She brought in inside, opened it ..............and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Mike have been scheduled for Friday!
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning she looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway.
She brought in inside, opened it ..............and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Mike have been scheduled for Friday!
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 4,115
Likes: 7
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
A. Obsession
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't
spoil?
A. Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day
are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
A. Obsession
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't
spoil?
A. Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day
are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,621
Likes: 0
From: Findlay
Strangers on A Train
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f$$$$ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f$$$$ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 4,115
Likes: 7
Hagerty Ranks Top Ten Driving Peeves
Memorial Day is around the corner-but as the folks at Hagerty Insurance are reminding us this week, there's probably someone on the cell phone or eating at the wheel of the car in front of you, before you even get to the corner. How did they know? Through a survey on their Web site. And the results won't surprise many people - the top ten driving peeves in the unscientific poll were the following:
1. Distracted drivers talking on cell phones (Motor Mouths)
2. Slow drivers in the fast lane (Turtle Racers)
3. Pushy drivers who tailgate (Piggybackers)
4. Drivers who weave through traffic to gain one or two car lengths (Wacky Weavers)
5. Obnoxious drivers who speed up to keep you from changing lanes (Gap Snatchers)
6. Hasty drivers who change lanes without signaling (Space Invaders)
7. Road Rage (Road Ragers)
8. Motorcyclists who race down the middle of a lane, between cars (Speed Racers)
9. Women applying makeup and men shaving (Driving Divas)
10. Drivers who leave their turn signal on for miles (Morse Coders)
Memorial Day is around the corner-but as the folks at Hagerty Insurance are reminding us this week, there's probably someone on the cell phone or eating at the wheel of the car in front of you, before you even get to the corner. How did they know? Through a survey on their Web site. And the results won't surprise many people - the top ten driving peeves in the unscientific poll were the following:
1. Distracted drivers talking on cell phones (Motor Mouths)
2. Slow drivers in the fast lane (Turtle Racers)
3. Pushy drivers who tailgate (Piggybackers)
4. Drivers who weave through traffic to gain one or two car lengths (Wacky Weavers)
5. Obnoxious drivers who speed up to keep you from changing lanes (Gap Snatchers)
6. Hasty drivers who change lanes without signaling (Space Invaders)
7. Road Rage (Road Ragers)
8. Motorcyclists who race down the middle of a lane, between cars (Speed Racers)
9. Women applying makeup and men shaving (Driving Divas)
10. Drivers who leave their turn signal on for miles (Morse Coders)
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 4,115
Likes: 7
Prison vs. Work
If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things a
little bit clearer.
IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10cell. AT
WORK........you spend the majority of your time in an8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON......you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON......the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........you're often required to carry a security card and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON......you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON......you get your own toilet.
AT WORK........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON......they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........you're not supposed to even speak to your family.
IN PRISON......all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK........you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ....you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK........they're called managers.
IN PRISON......you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things a
little bit clearer.
IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10cell. AT
WORK........you spend the majority of your time in an8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON......you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON......the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........you're often required to carry a security card and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON......you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON......you get your own toilet.
AT WORK........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON......they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........you're not supposed to even speak to your family.
IN PRISON......all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK........you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON ....you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK........they're called managers.
IN PRISON......you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 588
Likes: 0
From: Dublin, OH
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Ehud Olmert, the prime minister of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Olmert wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Olmert wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 6,891
Likes: 0
From: Westerville OH
I think we need some laughs today...
While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."