This past weekend my mom passed. She had a DNR as part of her will and all were registered with the hospital. When my brother, sister, and I arrived at the hospital (we came from SC, TX, and MA) they had intubated her. We had a very hard time making the decision to remove the tube. As it turned out, although she was totally sedated, my mom pulled the tube herself. This saved us a lot of hard decisions even though this was her wish. She passed about 24 hours later very quietly.

It seems very easy to request a DNR but the execution is much harder than is seems when it comes down to loved ones.

 

Sorry to hear of your moms passing. As you say, the DNR request is one thing, executing it another. I'm glad you were relieved of having to make that decision. The universe works in mysterious ways.

 

We're having some legal stuff done by our attorney and are expecting the drafts any day now. One of the things he mentioned that was of great importance is appointing someone with the power to act on our behalves should one of us not be able to act for the other. It was a very hard thing to think about. The DNR will be part of that document. We have made a choice of one of the children that we believe is more likely to give this the appropriate thought, ask the correct questions and make the decision. She will be empowered to make other medical decisions as well. We have four children scattered about the planet and this is the only child who remains in the area. I'm sorry we feel compelled to pass this responsibility on to her but she is the only one who shares our beliefs in this regard.

Please know that you have my sympathies at this time, mns.

 

Fortunately, my brother is a physician, and my parents have enlisted him to handle that stuff on the behalf of both of them.

I think what's critical in these cases are clear instructions to the hospital, to which they agree in writing upon admission, and then prominent posting of DNR instructions. It all sounds a tad morbid, but it's really needed to make sure the variety of health-care people all get the message. They have shifts of nurses, etc., etc., and sometimes instructions just don't get communicated. HPH

 

It seems your mother made the decision for you. I'm not certain whether the DNR would have been honored by the hospital that tended to my aunt (who died last year). She passed away quietly at the assisted living place where she lived, so it wasn't needed. But the order was posted prominently in her room and a copy went whenever she was in the hospital. So I hope they would have executed it. I'm sorry for your loss.

This points up the importance of not only having a DNR, but also a medical power of attorney in addition to a legal one, designating someone you trust to carry out your wishes. Such as Val is doing. I've had both for some time.

 

So sorry for your loss. Rick was the health care proxy for his parents. He had to make the choice as to whether or not to use life support on his Dad. He chose not to as he knew that's what his Dad would have wanted. Still it's not an easy choice. He also had to make the decisions for his Mom as she was dealing with Alzheimer's.

Sad to say sometimes other siblings feel slighted in a way to not be the chosen one to make health care and other decisions for the aging parent. It's ridiculous, but it happens. I'm very glad to know that my sister, not I, will have that role for my Mom.

 

I'm the oldest, and, I have to say, I was initially startled at having my brother designated by my parents. Of course, he's a physician, for crying out loud, and I'm a weather professor. When this soaked in, I got over it quickly, and now, like you, Lainey, I'm relieved. HPH

 

You need to take into account the religious beliefs of your family members, too. In my case, I gave the medical POA to a member who would not be inclined to go against my wishes.

 

I have no idea whether any of the kids will be unhappy that they were NOT the chosen one, but I suspect they'll be relieved. My stepson had to make that decision when his mother had a stroke and was in effect deceased. Even after many, many years, he still becomes emotional over it. We are very comfortable with the candidate we've chosen. I hope she will be as well.

 

The middle child in another family felt slighted. The Dad's answer to him, as he actually questioned the choice, was is that he chose the youngest; there was a considerable age span between the siblings and I guess the Dad felt the oldest could be dealing with his own issues down the line, so he chose the youngest sibling. I think the Dad has other reasons, but that's just my opinion.