these are the only parts that made me laugh out loud...
... and almost spit out my soda

Leno had better watch out with Carmen on the prowl

 

^ Yeah, he does crack me up too.

 

Would you on the left please get a grip!

If you're really going to invade, Venezuela is the obvious choice. I know, I know--your man Jimmy Carter said that the last election was on the "up and up", but he still thinks that Clinton didn't have relations with that woman...

While we're on Carter, I want my canal back! What a TOOL!

Venezuela's got more than enough oil, it's just a short hop from Miami, and is a great base to start our "Imperial aspirations" in SA. I mean really, you guys thought we'd be happy with just Iraq? Don't you know about us evil Republicans yet?

And Canada. PUUHLEAZE! Did you know that half of the "back bacon" from that country comes from botched liposuction?

...Was that over the top?

 

I suppose I'll have to talk to dean with reference to invading Venezuela, but I suppose we could fit it in. I'm sure W and Rummy would be happy about it. I still think we should include Kuwait in our plans too.

 

Where in the declaration of war passed by the congress does it say anything about WMD?

fltsfshr

 

I'm sure we could fit Panama in too. It's a small country. W could declare victory the first afternoon there.

 

In the chapter titled "Selling the war to people who don't really want to buy".

 

While we are on the topic of WMD's, what about all those trucks heading out to Seria before the war? The UN and everyone else certainly gave them enough time to collect everything up and send it out of the country before we got there. And the UN, well we know whose side they are on.

 

I talked to my in-house expert on petroleum, and Martha gave me this list of crude producing candidates (in no particular order):
Venezuela (we get more oil from them than the Middle East)
Mexico (has quite a bit of oil, but can't keep their plants running)
Norway (the war wouldn't be much of a media event)
Scotland (quite a bit of oil in the North Sea, and Blair would probably give it to us)
Russia (we were itching to get them for years anyway)
Canada (take their oil and beer, then shove their cold weather)
China (will be a huge producer in a few years, so let's give them a hand)
Kuwait (consider it a surprise party)
Saudi Arabia (why not? you know we've secretly wanted to for years)
Columbia (along with petroleum, they've also got some killer weed)
Nigeria* (we could put an end to all of those email scams while we're at it)

This should keep you war mongers busy for a while.

*Highly recommended by my consultant

 

To all you hand-holding tree huggers: Where do you think our country would be if we were wussies? You do know the rest of the world does not play fair. They hate us. They hate the air we breathe. They would say, Hey, lets just talk this through and be friends. And then they would smile and destroy us. And Jimmy Carter... well he lives about 10 miles from me and everyone here knows he lives in la-la land. And Clinton... don't get me started on that charcterless charleton, he would sell us out in a heartbeat. After 9-11 we would still be trying peace talks with the terrorists.