Thanks all, had to work through lunch to meet a deadline so I've been busy.
The more I think about it and read all the comments above, I realize there are many 'reasons' why this happens, and many situations that are all unique.
Tomorrow is the service, I should have more to add.
This could get a bit intense; not your average chit chat, so we'll see where it goes.

 

The words will come to you Dex. Don't try so hard. There is no right way or wrong way.

 

When my Dad died, I can't tell you anything anyone said to me. But I do remember those who came to offer sympathy. Just being there to offer comfort is a big comfort to those who have just lost a loved one.

 

I agree with Lainey, there is nothing that anyone can say that will take away the pain relatives and friends will be feeling. I don't mean for this to sound the way it might, but don't look for magical words that will make things ok. You won't find them. It sounds like you were a close friend, that is what will count, even if you share their pain in silence. Be yourself and remember that your friend will forever live in your memories. If others want, he is in theirs to for them to replay over and over again.

There is one thing that I find helps me in troubling times. I write. It does not have to be to anyone other than yourself. I put how I feel or what I'm feeling on paper. I find that once I start it gets easier and easier to keep writing. Once I'm done, I then decide if I want to keep it or eventually one day when I'm ready I throw it out.

 

Several families in our church have experienced suicide of a child in their 20's/ 30's....almost all of them dealing with depression. Almost all of them were college grads from well-to-do families, so this sad event knows no dollar sign.

As I told in an earlier thread on this subject, I had a close brush with suicide. Kathy's retired uncle was distraught after losing his home in the flooding along the river in 1972 from Hurricane Agnes. We were helping shovel mud out of their 1-story bungalow. I got a call from Kathy's aunt on July 5th....she couldn't find Uncle Herman? I drove to the house and found him in the garden shed....having used a shotgun to the head. I've blanked the sight out of my memory...but will remember that day the rest of my life. Very sad, but he felt there was nothing left to live for....

 

Rest in peace!

I, too, have had buddies who committed suicide after the Viet Nam war.

 

Sorry I'm late getting to this, Dex but my heart goes out to you and the family. I will pray for everyone touched by this. Healing sometimes takes longer than we can imagine. Helping each other through the process with love and caring is sometimes all we can do. Praying you through.

 

Thanks all for going back and touching that pain again...it can't be easy to think back upon that person that was lost and succumbed...sadly, suicide is all too common and seems most of us know someone or know of someone close who did.



For the prayers that were offered, they were answered in that it was as uplifting, encouraging, and comforting a memorial service/ celebration of a young but full life as I could have imagined. The little NJ church was packed beyond SRO, literally out the door...he had touched so many lives. I had bottled up all my feelings during the week, but the dam burst as I sat down in the pew and saw the poster size photo of him smiling cheek to cheek w/ a young African girl.

I suspect that having struggled so long w/ the specter of death he had a real passion for life. This was manifested in a genuine, deep compassion for those on the margins of society and the third world. He was a social worker, working on his PHD in care for the elderly. He supported missionaries in Africa, and recently returned from a time there helping kids out in a remote village. During 9/11 he worked tirelessly for weeks as a grief/ trauma counselor downtown. He took time to help the homeless, and many other interests and passions included painting, driving (carving mountain roads in his Prelude), music, dogs, etc.

As euolgies were given, I kept wondering why? How could someone w/ so much to live for end his life? (I found out later he parked his car on the GW bridge and...)
It made no sense...a seemingly good/ loving/ supportive family, new girlfriend (very attractive, nice, articulate and intelligent lawyer), support from his faith community (although the stigma of mental illness in the chinese and conservative christian culture is great) and academic community....how could he do it?

It was not his first attempt, his pastor told me that they tried everything, including electro-shock - nothing 'worked'. A friend told me it was like you and me w/ an Ipod but for him it was like being in front of a speaker at a concert that never turned off.

I've known people that have tried to support and love someone w/ Bi-polar disorder, and the roller coaster ride of uncertainty as extreme episodes like late night vists to the ER, psych ward, or police station to pick-up a loved one. The out-bursts in public, the pain...I wonder if we were closer if I could have gone through all that, I wonder why he only gave me a glimpse and did not give me the chance.

They say it only takes a minor shift or distortion of DNA or chromosomes or whatever chemical to change the balance between health and disease. I wonder at the fragility of the mind, and what keeps it together and what tears it apart. I wonder if there's more we can do to help those who suffer.

If you got this far, thanks for bearing w/ this cathartic ramble.

 

Dex9, I think the most important thing any of us can do is to not sweep mental illness into some dark closet. We need to openly talk about it when ever the opportunity presents itself. We need to change the way society looks at it. Too many family will not acknowledge it's touched their lives in some way. Hiding it does not help it.

I'll be the first to acknowledge my daughter has an illness but it can be treated fairly well if she stays on her medications. However, at this point she has removed herself from our lives and does not keep in contact with us or her brothers and sisters.

She's married, no kids, and lives somewhere up north. Our only contact for the past 4-years has been a late Christmas card. . . and we finally got this year's just on this past Friday. It's always a happy picture of her and her husband with their pets (4 dogs, a cat, two ducks). Each year we pray for a sign that she's still alive and hopefully still taking her meds (which she routinely would convince herself she no longer needed).

She convinced her husband that her "disfunctional family" is the cause of her problems, so if she was hospitalized or worse we would never know.

One of most difficult things as a parent with a child over 21 is that by law they do not have to allow their medical condition to be shared; so depending upon her "mood" and how much the hospital staff helped us we sometimes knew what was going on and sometimes not during her stays in the hospital.

The local mental health clinic always got my check mark on the United Fund drives. Sadly here in Michigan state funds for mental health services have been cut to the bone; instead they prefer to have large numbers of them in prisons. This was described in detail on the 60 Minutes show just last night.

Believe me, you are not alone trying to figure out why this happens and what can we do to prevent it from continuing.

 

Don't EVEN get me started on the state of mental health care in this country. And we won't even mention the mentally ill who happen to be poor. I live up close and personal with both and it's not easy. Maybe another thread.

We're here for you Dex, you just ramble away any time you need to, honey.