Palmateer

A whole week without Vintage Humor is just unbearable. So:


Two blondes got locked out of their car.

One blonde is trying to open the lock with a coat hanger.

The other blonde is calling the car agency.

Finally, the bonde calling the agency gets through.

She yells "Hurry up! Its freezing out here, its raining, and the top is
down and the interior will get ruined!"

Countnkick

Marine math

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its
most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict a ROK ( Republic of Korea ) commander, whose
unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine
General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many,
many, many Chinese!"

"X*#dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"General, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who
knows how to count.

NNY S2k

Miss Black America Contest


There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest
this year, because no one wants to wear the banner that says, IDAHO.

RENDERMAN

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

scc01s2k

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" - then
he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my blonde co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "...and where do you think you're going?!"

"I'm going home too ..." The Boss asked, "Why?"



(You're gonna love this....)




The blonde replied, "Because I can't work in the dark!"

Countnkick

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

RENDERMAN

Dictionary for women

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

dlq04

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."





The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him: "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

RENDERMAN

Since El Cinco the Mayo is comming up this weekend I thought I would educate americans as to why Mexicans (and Americans) celebrate this important holiday. And it goes something like this.....

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

SSSnakeSSS

Oh, my, that really tossed my salad.