Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
06-29-2007, 07:21 PM
#271
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MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
07-04-2007, 05:54 PM
#273
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Location: St. Pete, Florida
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A thief planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre, in Paris. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." Well I figure that I have nothing Toulouse.......
(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." Well I figure that I have nothing Toulouse.......
(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)
07-07-2007, 01:15 AM
#274
Its hell getting old
Hank an 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Hank, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Hank replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off. " WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says..
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Hank's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "Hank is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims.
"he's peeing in the refrigerator again!
Hank an 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Hank, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Hank replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off. " WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says..
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Hank's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "Hank is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims.
"he's peeing in the refrigerator again!
07-07-2007, 05:01 PM
#275
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
07-09-2007, 05:34 AM
#276
^ An oldie but goodie. Here's one I got from the +1 (Italian from NJ) today. Anyone else who's Italian and/or from NJ (or neither one) will like this:
Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
"Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie"
Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
"Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie"
07-09-2007, 09:50 AM
#277
Registered User
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord,
we don't need You any more. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what You did in the
'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it
into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man"
"Well, that's interesting Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil.
"Oh no,no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
we don't need You any more. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what You did in the
'beginning.'"
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it
into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man"
"Well, that's interesting Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil.
"Oh no,no, no..." interrupts God,
"Get your own dirt."
07-11-2007, 05:03 PM
#278
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>>One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware
>>that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
>>He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
>>back.
>>
>>He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
>>
>>Then, he proceeded to run his
>>hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down
>>the other side to a point below her waist.
>>
>>He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
>>
>>His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
>>
>>His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
>>and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
>>By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
>>better
>>position herself.
>>The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
>>
>>"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>He whispered back, "I found the remote."
>>that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
>>He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
>>back.
>>
>>He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
>>
>>Then, he proceeded to run his
>>hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down
>>the other side to a point below her waist.
>>
>>He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
>>
>>His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
>>
>>His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
>>and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
>>By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
>>better
>>position herself.
>>The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
>>
>>"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>He whispered back, "I found the remote."
07-11-2007, 07:21 PM
#279
A senior citizen woman is on a cruise ship and goes to one of the bars. The bar tender asks her "what can I get you"? She responds with: " I would like a scotch on the rocks with just two drops of water". He thinks that this is a bit a strange request but complies.
After she finishes her drink he asks if she would like another? She responds: "Well, I shouldn't but it is my 80th birth day so I think that I will. The bar tender responds: "Well, in that case, this one is on me. What will you have? She again replies with " A scotch on the rocks with just two drops of water".
When she finishes that drink the person sitting next to her ask if he could buy her another drink to help celebrate her birthday? She states that she shouldn't but will. Again she orders a scotch on the rocks with just two drops of water. As the bar tender is pouring her this drink he finally asks "I have to ask about the two drops of water? What is with that?
She replies: "Sonny, when you get to be my age. You can hold your scotch, but not your water."
After she finishes her drink he asks if she would like another? She responds: "Well, I shouldn't but it is my 80th birth day so I think that I will. The bar tender responds: "Well, in that case, this one is on me. What will you have? She again replies with " A scotch on the rocks with just two drops of water".
When she finishes that drink the person sitting next to her ask if he could buy her another drink to help celebrate her birthday? She states that she shouldn't but will. Again she orders a scotch on the rocks with just two drops of water. As the bar tender is pouring her this drink he finally asks "I have to ask about the two drops of water? What is with that?
She replies: "Sonny, when you get to be my age. You can hold your scotch, but not your water."
