I am 32 and not even close to married. I started thinking that by the time I do meet someone that I want to settle down with, they will most likely have a kid. I have always thought that I don't really have the personality that would work well with the "Step Dad" situation i.e. pay to support a child and treat them like your own, but they can always (1) play the "you're not my dad" card (2) play the biologic parent against you (3) play the spouse against you. I am basing my veiwpoint on (1) pesonal experience with my parents' significant others (neither married till I was in my 20s) (2) Friends dealing with the situation right now...and its tearing his marriage apart (3) Friends that had Step-parents. It seems that the two adults could have a GREAT love for another, but the "family" situation doesn't work and it ends up creating friction and consequently, kills the relationship.
So, is my opinion skewed? opinions...both agree and disagreement are welcome.

 

I am married for the first time and not a parent. So it is easy for me to be the perfect parent and give advice.

It seems to me that one would have to make sure that both of you decide on the ground rules about the role of you as "step dad" versus the "other guy" up front. As ackward as it may be even having a meeting with the biological father to have a meeting of the minds before taking the plunge.

As difficult as it may be, IMO, one would have to weigh this into the "total picture" as to her philosophy about this subject and how it fits into your thought process. If you are at odds, it would drive you crazy.

 

I'm a step-kid right now. While 'Rocket Sr.' and I do butt heads sometimes, I have never played the 'you're not my real dad' card. That's below the belt IMO. What goes for my step-dad goes for everyone else in my life. I'll be the 1st to be nice, but if there's no reciprocity, I'll only show you the kindness and respect you show me. Whether or not that's a good ideology, it's worked thusfar in my life. As far as pitting the parents against each other, I've seen enough fighting between my mom and biological father to try and start fights between my mom and step-father. As far as my father and step-father, I know it's best to keep the two separated. I always end up playing moderator between the two parties, but I think more gets accomplished that way then letting them bicker amongst themselves. All in all, it has been a headache of sorts, but we're all still around; and as far as I'm concerned, I think I turned out alright .

 

My older son Andrew (16) has a very good friend whose mother died about 10 years ago. About 5 years ago his father remarried and his new wife came to live in the same house that they'd been living in.

For Andrew's friend it was the best thing that ever happened. From the beginning, S made up her mind that she was going to raise the son as if he was hers. And she has been true to her word. She has been a great mother and the son is doing just fine. The son is very lucky to have her.

I really think it depends on the individuals involved and the committment each is willing to make.

I have another friend who just married a woman with an 18 year old son. This relationship is a little more difficult. Not because my friend is unwilling, but rather because the woman isn't quite sure of herself with relation to her own son. The son has been clever enough to exploit this.

I guess this is something that has to be worked out from the start.

 

The hardest thing about stepkids is the stress they can cause between Dad and Stepmom....I know...I have 3. Mine are now 24, 27, and 33 and we all have a fairly good to great relationship now (one has just moved back in). Their Mom didn't have a problem playing mind games and the guilt card with them (they lived with her for their younger years and decided that moving in with us when they were in their early teens would be a great idea ) Since my daughter (now 26...yes, we had 13, 14, and 15-year-olds living in the same house at one time...the 2 girls graduated H.S. together) was being brought up with a different set of rules and standards than the 2 younger kids, it was hard to incorporate 2 kids with an "I'll-do-what-I want-to-always-have-and-it's-not-gonna-change-now" attitude in with a child who has always talked things out with us.

On the other hand, the oldest who is also, by the way, my husband's stepdaughter, got away from her mother pretty quickly (moved in with us when she was 16) has a good relationship with her stepdad and felt much closer to us than to her mother (and still does). By the same token, my daughter and stepdad have a great relationship...she'll talk to him about anything (he sometimes hands the phone over with a frozen look on his face and says, "I think you'll need to field this one").

At any rate, while my husband and I agreed on rules for the kids, the kids didn't agree and there was quite a bit of stress in the house during their teen years...mostly from frustration. We almost never argue about anything any more (except during the kitchen wallpaper stripping, retexturing, and faux finish...but we're now in the process of planning to do this to yet another room, and I expect we'll survive this, as well).

On the other hand, my nephew (now 19) and his stepdad (came into his life when he was about 5) have an incredible relationship and the stepdad didn't really want kids.

My suggestion would be that if you really like the lady, get to know her kid(s) AND her ex-. If the ex- and wife have a good relationship (as my ex- and I do), then the kids will probably be fairly easy to deal with. Then it's just a matter of time to see if you will "have the personality" to deal with somebody else's kids.

 

Steve, you have doubts about this from the get-go. I highly recommend you do not take on step-kids. Oh, and I agree with you.

 

Steve just do what i'm gonna so

find a 22 year old

 

I thought the whole issue was that he didn't think he wanted to raise someone else's child....

 

^