A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...

Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

 

hahaha

 

Yup, and im still running

 

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!"

"What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender.

"No way...you get violent when you drink."

 

What bar can you get drinks for everybody for $36.50?

 

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be
> told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
>
> On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
> husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to
> her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I
> know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I
> give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
> You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
> experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
>
> A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
> eagerly) for her request.
>
> She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I
> have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
>
> More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
> puzzled tone he asks her...."You want...... Garlic Chicken wif
> snow peas?"
>

 

Quotes from the Perfect Woman:

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping

Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses

I'll be out painting the house

I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday's too

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see

No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed

Your mother did a great job raising you

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs

I'm bored, let's shave my pussy

Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome

Let's subscribe to Hustler

That was a great fart, do another one

I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head for you

I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste of it

Are you sure you've had enough beer?

If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I;m goonna burst

You are so sexy when you are hung over

Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house

I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever

 

On the first day God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and i'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make trhem laugh. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer, all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give you back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you a life span of twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and theten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay", said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why on the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand children. And the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Doctor Doctor

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!