Semi Official :corner: JOKE tread...
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 59,376
Likes: 1,618
From: La Crescenta, CA
Originally Posted by LMB2000,Nov 11 2010, 02:11 PM
LMAO!
OK, not funny enough? This one's ****in hilarious...
=========
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
OK, not funny enough? This one's ****in hilarious...
=========
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 59,376
Likes: 1,618
From: La Crescenta, CA
Originally Posted by LMB2000,Nov 11 2010, 02:38 PM
A husband and wife were watching a National Geographic special on a tribe in Africa. The natives had a practice of tying large heavy rocks to the ends of their cocks to make them as much as 18 inches in length.
The woman told her husband “It would be great if you would do that!”
So, he reluctantly agreed and for 2 weeks while at home constantly had a heavy weight attached to the end of his cock…
At the end of the two weeks, the wife asked her husband “How’s the project coming along?”
Husband says “Well, we’re half way there…”
She said “Oh my God! It’s 9 inches long now??!!!”
Husband says “No, but it did turn black…”
LMFAO
The woman told her husband “It would be great if you would do that!”
So, he reluctantly agreed and for 2 weeks while at home constantly had a heavy weight attached to the end of his cock…
At the end of the two weeks, the wife asked her husband “How’s the project coming along?”
Husband says “Well, we’re half way there…”
She said “Oh my God! It’s 9 inches long now??!!!”
Husband says “No, but it did turn black…”
LMFAO
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 78,840
Likes: 7
From: On yo puter screen
:distweadjustsucked: so
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about
everything. They had kept no secrets from each other
except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top
of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had
never thought about the box, but one day the little old
woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little
old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's
bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her
about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy
marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever
got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a
doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two times in all those years of
living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about
all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the
dolls."
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about
everything. They had kept no secrets from each other
except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top
of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had
never thought about the box, but one day the little old
woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little
old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's
bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her
about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy
marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever
got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a
doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two times in all those years of
living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about
all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the
dolls."
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 78,840
Likes: 7
From: On yo puter screen
Baked Beans
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed
by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could
stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I reached home, so I stoppe d at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way
home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my l! ap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed
by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could
stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I reached home, so I stoppe d at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way
home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my l! ap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,543
Likes: 0
Raptor, just poking at ya a little 
A man won a ticket to the Superbowl in a contest. The man is sitting in upper nose bleed and midway through the 2nd quarter notices a seat that has been empty the entire game right on the 50 yard line. He makes his way down to the empty seat and asks the man sitting next to the open seat…
“Excuse me, is this seat not taken?”
“No, it’s open, have a seat…”
He sits down and says: “I can’t believe such an awesome seat to the big game is open…”
“Well actually, the seat belongs to me… You see, my wife and I have attended every Superbowl since Superbowl I, and she passed away so obviously she could not make it…”
“Wow, that’s horrible, so sorry to hear it… But surely a ticket to the Superbowl, you could have found someone else to attend with you…?”
“Well normally I could have… But they are all at the funeral today…”
A man won a ticket to the Superbowl in a contest. The man is sitting in upper nose bleed and midway through the 2nd quarter notices a seat that has been empty the entire game right on the 50 yard line. He makes his way down to the empty seat and asks the man sitting next to the open seat…
“Excuse me, is this seat not taken?”
“No, it’s open, have a seat…”
He sits down and says: “I can’t believe such an awesome seat to the big game is open…”
“Well actually, the seat belongs to me… You see, my wife and I have attended every Superbowl since Superbowl I, and she passed away so obviously she could not make it…”
“Wow, that’s horrible, so sorry to hear it… But surely a ticket to the Superbowl, you could have found someone else to attend with you…?”
“Well normally I could have… But they are all at the funeral today…”
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,543
Likes: 0
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle,she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh-t first."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle,she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh-t first."