ACCIDENTALOOOOSKYNOJOKE!

< needz 2 bring this tread into the bathroom sometime

 

A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister "I've decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go talk with Mom." Off goes the little lad and finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes, son?" Same story. The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, "Go see your father." Off he goes and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" Same story. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!" About half hour later they're all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today. "The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good, son. What is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Chicago bastards."

 

 

Virus Warning -- coming sooner or later. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970 .

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same email twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank email. That too!

3. Causes you to send email to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6.. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

 

Umm...Stop, Drop, and Roll doesn't work here.

 

Today's word is "fluctuations." I was at my bank today. There was a short line for the teller windows. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said "Fluctuations." The Asian lady replied "Fluc you white people too. "

 

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,






'Get well soon.. from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'





Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Thanx to Matt in VA on the "Old Fartz Forum"

 

"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"
---Abraham Lincoln


Thanx to JonasM on the "Old Fartz Forum"

 

My wife was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch pron."


Bitch.


Thanx to dean on the "Old Fartz Forum"

 

Another good one from Matt in VA

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of
an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his
overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee
shirt underneath.
With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his
baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!" exclaims Billy Bob.
Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, "Me and the old lady been having
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do
something sexy to a tractor."

"I know it's a groaner" a080.gif


Thanx Matt