////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////





My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

' What was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

--------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
################################################## ##
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Arkansas , Kentucky & West Virginia ,
Mississippi , Florida ))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++?`+++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
==================================== =================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when
you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And.....

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

 

 

My Fav: If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 

BURMA SHAVE!!!

FLTSFSHR

 

 

here is my persoanl favorite:

On a folded, hand written piece of paper (with nothing in it):

Life is Rough!
Times are Hard!

Here's Your F***ing Christmas Card!

 

 

VERY TRUE. I am at work now and guess what. LABOR DAY SALE!!!! BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR!!!





Got a secret for you........... It's the same sale most of the time.

 

[Professor Mode] Because we did not evolve from modern apes, contemporary humans and apes shared a common ancestor millions of years ago. [/Professor Mode]

I just shared this post with my wife and we had a good laugh!