Joke of the Day
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 11,594
Likes: 7
From: Bumpass, VA
Welshman posted this over in UK Muppets...but since it was recently in Playboy, its all good 
...
-------------------------------
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a fairly young and attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, drinking a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly "Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, .................................................. ......................
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
...-------------------------------
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a fairly young and attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay man figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night. One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, drinking a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly "Now take off my stockings."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, .................................................. ......................
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Former Moderator
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 24,162
Likes: 3
From: Burlington, VT
Business Lines
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confusion creates jobs.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
Marriage Lines
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confusion creates jobs.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
Marriage Lines
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 8,953
Likes: 0
From: MD
Subject: Have a beer!
A couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the
bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands
from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge
beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE Fuuck UP,
DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
AND, THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
ISN'T THAT A SWEET STORY?
A couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the
bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands
from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge
beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE Fuuck UP,
DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
AND, THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
ISN'T THAT A SWEET STORY?
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 43,083
Likes: 0
From: London, England
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"
His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 7,271
Likes: 0
From: Virginia Beach
International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulent in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel.? And it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos?. Ever.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever !!!!!
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulent in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel.? And it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos?. Ever.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever !!!!!
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 7,271
Likes: 0
From: Virginia Beach
You know your from 757 when.....
You have to adopt a surrogate professional sports team because you live in the largest metropolitan area without one.
You are amazed whenever any city within 50 miles of your house is mentioned in a text book, national news, etc.
You can name at least three of Mike Joynes' law partners.
You can finish the "Beach Ford" song.
You know Mount Trashmore is a real place, not a joke.
You can see another 7-11 from the 7-11 you're currently at.
You know that 64 West in Chesapeake is actually going east.
Any westbound trip you've ever made involves at least one tunnel.
You can name at least three underwater tunnels within a twenty mile radius of your home.
You've been friends with, dated or married a sailor.
You can say "Norfolk" while sounding neither obscene nor incorrect.
You don't stop and look skyward when aircraft fly over.
You know what a Food Lion is.
Newport News is not a catalog, it is a city.
It's not a peninsula, it's the Peninsula. With a capital P.
You can name all the I-64 spurs.
It's not Portsmouth, it's P-town.
The Strip isn't a nudie bar, it's a tourist trap.
To you, Scope isn't just mouthwash.
The Boathouse doesn't actually dock any boats.
You know Dam Neck and Birdneck aren't necks of any kind.
You don't slow down in the tunnel, because it's not a big deal.
One of your major accomplishments in life is holding your breath all the way thru the HRBT... while driving.
Its normal for seven cities to be linked in almost every
conceivable way.
You can leave town for years at a time and come back to find the same segments of roads still under construction.
Its Seven Five Seven, not Seven Fifty-Seven.
An inch of snow closes everything down.
3 inches is a blizzard.
MacArthur was not only a brilliant general, but a fine shopping establishment.
You don't laugh when you hear "Rip Rap Road," in fact you might even duck down really fast, just in case
You know that Norfolk International Airport isn't really an
international airport.
No, you're not hallucinating. Those are mermaids.
You had a nickel for every OBX sticker you saw on the road, you'd be rich by now.
You know the real reason we have been hit by a hurricane in the past several years is because of Pat Robertson.
You have to adopt a surrogate professional sports team because you live in the largest metropolitan area without one.
You are amazed whenever any city within 50 miles of your house is mentioned in a text book, national news, etc.
You can name at least three of Mike Joynes' law partners.
You can finish the "Beach Ford" song.
You know Mount Trashmore is a real place, not a joke.
You can see another 7-11 from the 7-11 you're currently at.
You know that 64 West in Chesapeake is actually going east.
Any westbound trip you've ever made involves at least one tunnel.
You can name at least three underwater tunnels within a twenty mile radius of your home.
You've been friends with, dated or married a sailor.
You can say "Norfolk" while sounding neither obscene nor incorrect.
You don't stop and look skyward when aircraft fly over.
You know what a Food Lion is.
Newport News is not a catalog, it is a city.
It's not a peninsula, it's the Peninsula. With a capital P.
You can name all the I-64 spurs.
It's not Portsmouth, it's P-town.
The Strip isn't a nudie bar, it's a tourist trap.
To you, Scope isn't just mouthwash.
The Boathouse doesn't actually dock any boats.
You know Dam Neck and Birdneck aren't necks of any kind.
You don't slow down in the tunnel, because it's not a big deal.
One of your major accomplishments in life is holding your breath all the way thru the HRBT... while driving.
Its normal for seven cities to be linked in almost every
conceivable way.
You can leave town for years at a time and come back to find the same segments of roads still under construction.
Its Seven Five Seven, not Seven Fifty-Seven.
An inch of snow closes everything down.
3 inches is a blizzard.
MacArthur was not only a brilliant general, but a fine shopping establishment.
You don't laugh when you hear "Rip Rap Road," in fact you might even duck down really fast, just in case
You know that Norfolk International Airport isn't really an
international airport.
No, you're not hallucinating. Those are mermaids.
You had a nickel for every OBX sticker you saw on the road, you'd be rich by now.
You know the real reason we have been hit by a hurricane in the past several years is because of Pat Robertson.
