Do you have a worse joke than this?
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Joined: Oct 2000
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From: Hudson
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says,"I'll have beer."
He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," says the man.
The bartender then asks, "One more thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," says the man.
The bartender then asks, "One more thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 6,936
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From: Austin
a piece of string goes into a bar, walks up and asks the bartender, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender turns around and looks at the piece of string and says, "sorry, we do not serve string here. you are going to have to leave."
The piece of string is outraged and says, "but I only want a beer!"
The bartender repeats himself and says, "we don't serve string here."
The piece of string exits the bar, and sits on the curb thinking, "my girl left me, my dog left me, I just lost my job, and all I want is a beer and I can't even have that."
...then the piece of string gets an idea!
The piece of string ties himself, then rubs the end of him apart, and then walks back into the bar.
The piece of string goes up to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender turns around and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here a few minutes ago?"
The piece of string replies, "I'm a frayed-knot."
The bartender turns around and looks at the piece of string and says, "sorry, we do not serve string here. you are going to have to leave."
The piece of string is outraged and says, "but I only want a beer!"
The bartender repeats himself and says, "we don't serve string here."
The piece of string exits the bar, and sits on the curb thinking, "my girl left me, my dog left me, I just lost my job, and all I want is a beer and I can't even have that."
...then the piece of string gets an idea!
The piece of string ties himself, then rubs the end of him apart, and then walks back into the bar.
The piece of string goes up to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender turns around and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here a few minutes ago?"
The piece of string replies, "I'm a frayed-knot."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 128
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From: Concord
This guy and new wife just arrived at their honeymoon suite. In bed, the man asked his new bride, "Honey, am I the first man you've ever slept with?" His new bride replies, "Only if you doze off!" 
Barry
Barry
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 1,610
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From: Atlanta, GA
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
Most Hon'ble Sir,
You leave the house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
No fee.
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
Most Hon'ble Sir,
You leave the house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
No fee.
