(419): Want to have sex later?
(614): This feels like a trap

 

haha...good find D...

(843): I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month


(843): ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...


(843): Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.



(843): I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.



(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score



(843): Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.


(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true


(843): Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?

 

(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
(301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

 

(513): My mom found a condom in my purse
(513): Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.

PWND


(626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
(1-626): You have mice?
(626): no why?

 

TFLN FTW!!! every time i'm having a bad day, i got to TFLN or FML. always does the trick!

 

(334): I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
(205): Win!

 

(703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
(541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

 

(610): i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

BAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

(615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

(731): Maybe she gives good head
(615): A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener" cannot possibly give good head

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

(615): everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent