Break-ups have never been easy. It hurts. However, sometimes things happen for a reason and moving on to new things could also be better. If the "breaking-up" idea has already crossed her mind, then sooner or later that idea would make her think and rethink.

For now, good communications in any relationships are always extremely important. Perhaps spend as much time with her when you come back and open up with her with your true feelings. Ask her to do the same for you. Good luck. We all hope you can pull this through.

 

I agree with the above posts.... it does sound like you've resigned yourself to breaking up. First off, get her the xmas present.... even if it's just a book. You don't need to go all out and buy the expensive stuff - thoughtful things work just as well and I don't see anything wrong with getting the book.

I can speak from experience that going out with an older woman (at least around the 20's) is a bit different, because there are certain expectations for the woman - security is probably the key... If you've slacked off on the romantic side then this is a warning and I believe you still have a great chance to make up for it all. Just get back into gear and go for it.

Don't give up yet - being with someone special is worth the effort. Good luck!

 

for the immediate: The christmas present is very important. My first thought was to get her the book, but more importantly add a personal touch. Given the circumstances, perhaps write her a peom, or in the card tell her what you love about her, how she makes you feel, why she is the most important person in your life, etc.

for the long term: Mindcore's post covered pretty much everything I wanted to say and said it better than I ever could, but let me add my own two cents as well.

Squeezer, you sound very mature, honest, and open in your writing. You definitely have good things in store for you no matter what you decide in this situation.

You seem to be thinking very lucidly given the distress you are under. Keep the clear head and talk things out with her so that the two of you know what you both want if the relationship is to continue, and if it is worth continuing.

However, in the matter of the "acceptance of her wanting to break-up": A very very important thing I have learned is that most women want a man who is willing to fight for them. When I was 23 I was in a similar situation, where I took my relationship for granted and then one night she told me that she "didn't feel the same anymore". I was FLOORED. She was everything to me. At the time we talked the issue out in a rational manner, and I felt I had no control over the situation. We broke up for good.

The real reason I lost her was because I let her go. I could have gotten her back If I had tried. It wasn't a test - she was just calling out to me in the only way she knew how to. How do I know this? Because much later she asked me why I couldn't have just said that I wanted her. I was confused. Here I was trying to be calm and clear, and that was the last thing she wanted. She wanted me to fight for her. Such is love.

This is a very emotional issue, and sometimes rational and intelligent conversation MUST take a back seat to her emotions. Be sure to show her how passionate you are about her - it might make the difference if you want to continue on with her.

 

No matter what you should get her a gift and the John Grisham book. Since he doesn't live too far from you maybe you could get him to write a little note in it.

Whatever you do don't give up too soon. It ain't over till it's over. It does sound like you've been taking her a little for granted and you know it. It also seems to me that you may be pushing her a little faster than she's comfortable with. These are things you can change so hang in there and good luck.

If the worst happens it will hurt and almost all of us have been there a time or two. It can be a great learning experience even if it does suck. Having it happen to me made me appreciate what I've now got much more.

 

If you love her and think she is the one.....FIGHT FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!! Please don't give up by letting her decide the fate of the relationship without any struggle from you......

Secondly, do not send her a link to this thread.....she could very well get mad about two things:

1). Airing your business to others is usually not a quality most women like (think Southern hospitality and cordialness). It may also put a thought in her head that you are painting her to be a b*tch in stranger's minds.
2) Showing her the thread to give her some sort of indication of your thoughts and feelings for her and the relationship may just backfire on you. Some women would consider this a feable and pre-planned action to "win" her over by showing your pseudo-sensitivity to everyone else but her.

My suggestion from experience is to give her time and space. Whether she has broke it off already or not (you did say that she's thinking about it, right?). Don't give her time to explore other relationships, but back off....instead of calling her 20 times a day, call her just one or two times (or less). Don't pressure her, or stress on her the importance of the relationship to you. She will get quickly annoyed and all the bad qualities she has picked out in you, will stand out that much more.

Be spontaneous, and do things that attracted her to you in the beginning of the relationship. Ask her out on a date, take her to the park and dance with her again. <---Don't talk about the relationship there....don't talk about the car, or the board either. Ask her about her.....listen to her. When you do take her out on a date, buy something new for yourself and wear it on the date. More than likely, she will have not seen the outfit on you and will offer some newness to you...plus it may make you feel better.

BUY HER A BELATED X-MAS GIFT....throw in a "....I LOVE YOU" gift as well (a teddy bear with gold bracelet/anklet around its neck works really well!

Let me re-hash some of my old follies in the past and offer more advice later.....

All in all, one main thing I've learned to be a guy and survive a relationship with almost any women is summed up in the following:

1). Listen to her (really listen and don't just hear)....most women tell you exactly what they want, if you listen. To us guys it sounds like they talk in encrypted circles, but they don't.

2). Love her unconditionally. Men may take criticism with a grain of salt from the person they love and that loves them.....but women don't! It's funny that my boss's criticism on me matters more than what my fiance would say of me...

3). Don't change you...be the same person you were when you courted her. Don't act like Casanova just when you start dating....keep the ball rolling.

.....there's more to come.

 

So you're suggesting that someone should put priority on something that ends when one of the two of us dies, instead of (what she seems to believe) something that lasts beyond death?

Call me ignorant, but if I have to choose between an eternal God and an earthly wife, it ain't a tough choice! On the other hand, if God wasn't more important to you than your wife/husband, He's not really God then... is He?

Best advice, look for a relationship with someone who sees things exactly the way you do when it comes to spiritual priority. People who make compromises on this to make the relationship work (and that's a LARGE number) are just being phony about their religion. No telling what else they're being phony about.

Beyond that, Mindcore's got some very sound advice.

Another thought is, if this relationship isn't that important to her, and she's willing to walk... then I'd be prepared for her to walk at any time. If she's willing to walk without any discussion, there's probably not much there for the long haul. It doesn't mean you can't date her and have fun in the meantime... just don't expect it to be the one that lasts a lifetime.

Based on your post, I don't think she's that for you.

Tim

P.S. I'm speaking from a bit of experience here, having been married (to the same woman) since '83.

 

you need to settle this in person asap. confront her and find out exactly what's going on. you might have to compromise on somethings to stay with this one. if you guys aren't willing to make concessions on both sides, then you will have a lot of grief in the future. that's if the two of you stay together. my guess is both of you will end up trying to find someone that's a better fit.

 

It seems lately that I've encountered similar situations. My take is that women need to know they make a difference in your life. They need to feel they have something to offer you. I'd go down swinging too. If you want this girl then go after her.

And be careful with the romantic stuff. You started out being that way so she assumed that is who you are. If this one doesn't work out I would suggest to you that you go into a relationship next without putting on the show. Your true colors will show eventually so you should be who you are right up front. If you are not the romantic type then don't put on the romantic show.

As for religion.... I'm divorced... religion was one of the major, major sticking points of this divorce. She wanted more and I wanted less and it was very important to her that religion be a big part of her man's life. She started going to another church, I stayed home and she met somebody else at this curch and ran off with him. Would that make her a hypocrite?

 

It's not the end of the world buddy. You'll meet more no matter how impossible you think it is. Don't try to hold on to something just because you're scared you won't find anything else, that's the worst reason. Have some confidence man, is she doing everything right? Is she there in your times of need? It sounds like you're trying so hard to be her romeo, but how hard is she trying to be your juliet? I know that sounded corny as hell, but whatever you get what i'm trying to say. You think a good girl is hard to find? She should realize a good guy is twice as hard to find and she should show some more support to you. Don't bend over backwards for a girl if she's not bending over backwards for you. You say you used to do many romantic things for her trying hard to be Mr. Right, but has she done things like this for you that show that she's trying to be Mrs. Right? You've offered her your place man! Sounds like it's a one-sided effort and that she's far more apathetic than you are. You've done what you can as far as I see it and if she's gonna go out like this, especially after you're having such a rough december, then she's definitely not your princess, mrs. right, juliet, etc. The only thing to do now is step back and let nature take its course. Sounds like you've done what you needed to do already. If you guys just don't have enough in common then that's another story. But still, I don't see why you need to be so worried about being her romeo and right for her, if she's not equally worried about making you happy. If she was she'd be doing everything she could to cheer you up and make your holiday season better. Think about it in the reverse situation: if she was having a rough time this month I bet you'd go all out for the holidays and try do something crazy for her. I don't see why you find the need to please her soo much, if she's not finding the same need. Sounds like she just keeps setting terms as to what she wants and you have to keep trying to meet her expectations. That's bullsh!t and it needs to be other way around, buddy.

 

first of all you shouldnt be worrying about her since your s is under the knife! no im just kidding... maybe you should just compromise and go to church with her. how bad can it be? set your religious views aside and just go to church with her and snooze away, thats what i do when im in church!
good luck dude