I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

 

When I was born the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway".

 

I was so ugly, my mother breast fed me through a straw.

 

I asked the doctor for a vasectomy, he said with a face like that, you don't need one.

 

I went to a hooker and she said, "I don't do that on the first date".

 

It ain't easy being me.

 

I don't get no respect.

 

I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

 

Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.

 

I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."