I'm not sure I agree with JonBoy's assessment of this woman, so I'll offer a counter. Women (and men are, too, albeit differently) are truly bizarre when it comes to relationships. She may have met her husband-to-be, found him to be a nice guy, good looking, etc and starting dating. The relationship was always comfortable, maybe not thrilling, but it worked. Fast forward a couple years, and they're quite serious, he proposes - it's been good so far, and the uncertainty of being alone scares her, so she says yes. Fast forward a bit more, she realizes that she married someone who should have been a friend, not her husband. Along comes our man (the original poster), who maybe is more her type - or maybe not. She has different feelings for him than she does/did for her husband, and thus these 3 people are in a sticky situation. She may be capable of a being faithful, loving wife. Or, as JonBoy states, she may not.

That having been said, I don't think you should put yourself in a situation to be the catalyst for their seperation. If she truly wants to be with you (and I don't just mean as casual f-buddies when her husband isn't around), she will do what has to be done. But by pushing for it, you only increase the liklihood that some or all of you will get your feelings severely hurt. So, back off, cool down, etc. If you really want to be friends, go for it, just keep the clothes on and the hands off. It won't be easy, but the small amount of anguish you'll go through now is a fraction of the enduring anguish you'll go through if you pursue your thoughts to conclusion but things don't work out...

Good luck.

P.S. I've also gotten the t-shirt, and the only one who got hurt out of the deal was me. It ain't worth it, man!

 

Good post Jon Boy!

Needless to say we're not going to agree on everything. You might find me to be one of the most moralistic people you ever met, but we're never going to agree on some things! How can we possibly judge either of these two people based on what that guy posts here or what he chooses to tell us about the other person? She may indeed be a flighty person, or at least using the poster as a crutch at a time when her marriage isn't all she expected of it. That would be my biggest concern in his position and continually seeing her isn't going to help resolve it. She has to make the choice and believe me it takes a whole heap of courage in many respects.

We can't judge the strength of either of these peoples commitent to each other as an acadmeic excercise on the 'net. Hell they don't even know themselves yet. You know my feelings on a lot of issues from past threads, but one of the things I can certainly believe is that sometimes two people meeting is like two planets colliding and that doesn't happen too often in this life. I wouldn't have believed that once.

I don't believe there are any rights or wrongs in this situation, only the very real difficulty that you might be making a mistake. Do I feel sorry for the husband? Of course I do. He's done nothing wrong here.

In his shoes though I think I'd rather face the unplalatable facts than spend a lifetime with a partner for whom I'm not the first choice. At least he'll have a chance to move on himself.

Painful, ....painful situation for all concerned and I sincerely hope it has the right outcome for everyone involved... whatever that is!

No danger on the civility thing Jon Boy I don't think we ever had a problem there! I'm keeping away from this now though because these people have to sort it out themselves. No-one can help you in this situation anyway.

 

Ok hon this reply is coming from a female. I am a firm believer in love and sometimes finding the "right" one at the most inconvenient times. I understand that you are very taken with this girl but honestly its a very bad move and I will give u some reasons why:

1) She's married....this is huge since I dont think she has any intentions of leaving her husband. She wouldve already tried to begin doing so.
2) In all honesty, her being married might also be the reason she is having this relationship with you. She may be having newlywed anxieties (since from what u said they have only been married a year) and may be afraid that this life-long decision she made may not be the right one for her. So she is finding solace from a man who she previously had friendship with.
3) She may just have some self-confidence issues about being married and wants to know that she is still desired in that way by other men.

Basically what it comes down to is get out of that situation as fast as possible. If you can handle a TRULY platonic friendship without intimacy then ok. But if I were you, I would stay away because when it comes down to it...ure gonna be the one who's screwed over not her.

my 2 cents...hope it helps....

 

Thanks for the reply - good response.

Just to clarify (and then I too will leave it alone), I wasn't judging her in terms of personal morality, moral fibre, etc, etc - if anything, I judge an ACTION. Who am I to judge a person? No one - I can't judge anyone. Thus, I find this woman's action(s) to be wrong. Regarding her, I wouldn't even assume the ability to judge her as a person (and I know of no person that can).

In short, I am not judging anyone (poster or woman involved) - I apologize if I've given that impression.

Good luck, Im_not_that_guy - you'll need it!

Just for everyone's information, I can actually relate to this post quite well. My father did a thing similar (multiple times, actually) like what the woman in question is doing. The ironic part is that it is better that he left, for all concerned. There are other circumstances and factors that are not (as far as I can see/tell) present in the relationship described above that make my situation different, but it is possible that things will work better for this person as well. What my father did was not right, in my opinion, but in terms of overall happiness (day-to-day, at least), we are all happier.

For all that, I get along better with my father than my longsuffering and truly amazing mother; we truly have a great relationship. Such are the ironies of life. Consequently, I've long since stopped trying to figure out why things are the way they are.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by JonBoy
[B]

For all that, I get along better with my father than my longsuffering and truly amazing mother; we truly have a great relationship.

 

Hi everyone..Working today, or I would have gotten back a little sooner..

I realize this is a hard question to respond to, knowing only a little of the story..Please do not fight about it

Funny enough, when I said I didn't need affirmation, I was hoping not be as detered as much as I have been, but I know everyone is telling it like it is.

I could go on for pages about the whole situation, and perhaps it would give everyone a little more perspective, but thats wasn't really the point..

Let it be known, that she is the sweetest women I've ever known, my feelings aside.

Kind, and warm hearted, and I think she even loves my neice as much as I do...while in this particular case, her character is sure to be judged, however..there is much much more to her then this predicament we are in.

Keep in mind she was married in her early 20's. and dated him for some time before that.. I know myself that I have changed a whole lot since I was 22, and I know I look at things much differantly then I did back then.

I won't go into the details as to why she is unhappy, or how her husband treats her, she is not abused though, but I know that there are fundamental problems with her marraige, and I think that her decision to marry was more of being swept up in a moment than the realization of her future.

I would love to just take your advice and just run away as most of you suggest, but unfortuanatly, I can't seem to just turn it off in my heart.

I don't intend to be the reason that she would leave him, and I only hope that if she does, that it is, independant of me, because she thinks its the right thing to do..

Things were much better before when I put my feelings aside, reverved to the fact that she wouldn't be with me...but now that things have changed..its thrown me for a real loop.

Thankyou everyone for your guidance.

Jimmy