not for each other but for other things. What do you do if your spouce/lover/etc has no passion for anything outside of you/the relationship (/their job). What do you do.

I am growing bored after 4.5 years of being with someone that is faithful, has a good job (that they enjoy), and is comitted (to us) - but has NOTHING in the way of personal hobbies/passion. I mean seriously - gardening, cars, boats, planes, trains, books, NOTHING... WTF do I do?

It gets old when the other half's only enjoyment comes from sex or bars. I know jokes are coming but seriously - its hard to hard to maintain a serious relationship based on a whole lot of nothing - especially when my hobbies/interests are considered "obligations".

Ugh. Im extremely unhappy and while I don't want to walk away... I worry about the long term fate of the 'other'

 

if it were me...i would move on. though probably woulda done it awhile ago. think about what happens when the sex and bars are no longer an option (or at least a lot less frequent than currently)...then what?

though...if things are not as bad as you make it seem then maybe you guys could try taking up a hobby together...never too late

 

1. How old are both parties?
2. How old are both parties?
3. Have you considered that one party is codependent, rather than both parties being interdependent?

 

A few years back I was dating a young women kinda like what you described.

Always wanted to stay home and talk or have sex(it was good but not great),which is all fine and dandy for awhile,but after awhile it just sucks altering your lifestyle because of someone you love.I'd plan things sometimes as a surprise and large expense...and all she would do was argue her way out of it,shopping was about the only thing we did outside of the house and that was always a get in,get out thing.

She hated school and only was doing it cause of the money it would potentially bring in(doctrine in sports medicine).

After about 8 months and marriage working its way into our conversations,I really started looking at things from a broader,long-term point of view and their was nothing...so I ended it after 9 months,hardest thing I ever had to do and the way she took it made it that much harder, leaving 6,8,10 voice-mails a day crying hysterically on each one,showing up at my job or school...this went on for 4 weeks till I finally talked to her parents and she moved back home with them.

Take sex out of your equation,because it isn't everything and if you're still fairly young the frequency and excitement will almost always be high regardless of who you're dating.

I'd ended it, one sided relationships never work and if you force yourself to go along with it,it will only get harder to let go.

 

If your happiness is dependent on something she must do for herself ( but really you ) then you are needy and looking to her to fill some hole in your life. Perhaps you lack the self confidence to persue your own passions without validation from her. I suggest You both seek couples councilling so you can reach a point where you can validate you own interests without needing moral support from someone else and that she can reach a point where she feels that it's ok for her to have passions of her own choosing and interest.

It sounds to me like she grew up in a home with strict boundaries where she was told what to do and what was expected of her and wasn't given the support and encouragement to explore and invent on her own or she has an alcoholic parent and had to grow up so fast and become overly responsible for a needy parent and didn't have the opportunity to think about what her passions were.

Either way you both have issues to overcome. A really good councilor or coach can help you both to uproot you baggage from the past and overcome it.

 

Thanks for the responses.

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head with this one.

As for the dependency thing it'd be foolish to say its doesn't happen but at risk of being too controlling its extremely difficult to enact lifestyle changes that affect both parties without feeling like one is leaving the other behind.

That said Im not guilt free either - but aren't some of the greatest benefits of being with someone is to motivate/encourage/offset and better each other?

I don't know how else to say it but its extremely difficult to engage with someone that has little in the way of interests. What do you talk about? With a birthday coming up (and a 5th annvs not too far after) - you'd think things like buying a gift would be easy - but what do you get someone who doesn't really care about anything? A gift certificate?

I am seriously considering counseling.

 

Is she shy? Make friends easily or not at all? Are her friends all blah too? Maybe she she just never learned to do stuff with other people. Or maybe she grew up without the resources to do stuff. Sit her down and have the conversation in a non-threatening way. Join a tennis club. Take her boating. Sign her up for a book club. Get her into a gym membership. Or.....god forbid.....offer to take ballroom dance classes with her. That has almost universal appeal to women, sort of like shoes. Get her to hang around with people who do have interests. If she makes friends maybe she'll be drawn into something.

 

best thing to do is introduce her to certain things, surely you'd find something she'd be interested in
if that doesn't work, move on

 

This sounds very identical to the situation I'm in.

Can you elaborate more about "I worry about the long term fate of the 'other'"? Seems like there is something really holding you back from walking away.

 

1. Dirty Sanchez, win-win.

If you have to ask...GTFO