An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

****
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

****
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

****
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke, "Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

****
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"



****

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again."

 

Q: What is the difference from between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

A: One less drunk.






Patrick O'Malley goes to the hospital to visit his dying friend Sean O'Sullivan. Sean calls Patrick over to the bed and says "Patrick my old friend, I have one dyin request for ya. Over there on the night table is my most prized possesion, a bottle of 20 year old irish whiskey. When I am in my grave, I beg that ya come by and pour the contents of the bottle on me grave so that I may drink in the sweet whiskey for all eternity."

Patrick replies "Sean my old friend, of course I will do this for you, but do you mind if I strain it through me kidneys first?"

 

Q: What makes up an irish seven course meal?

A: A six pack and a potato.

 

nice jokes!

 

a rowdy Texan shows up in a Pub in Ireland and asks the bartender to pour 8 pints and line them up on the bar. The Texan then places five one hundred dollars bills on the bar. In a gruff voice he says "I came to Ireland to see if you truly are big drinkers. The first person who can down these pints win the money, otherwise you owe me." No one volunteers to try, in fact on Irishman even leaves the pub in a hurry. The disappointed Texan takes a stool and asks for a pint for himself. A short time later the Texan half way through the pint notices the Irishman who quickly exited the pub is standing next to him. He asks "Is you offer still available?", the Texan replies "Of course". Then one at a time the Irishman pounds all the pints and then picks up the money. The Texan now shocked exclaims "WOW! That is impressive, but answer me this. Why did you leave in such a hurry?"

The Irishman replies "I had to go to another pub to see if I could to it."

 

^ That's the joke of the day!

 

Q: Why does an Irishman wear two condoms?

A: Aye, ta be shore, ta be shore.

 

Happy St Paddy's day everyone I hope the beers are going down well!

 

Guiness and Car bombs for me!!! w00t