Joke of the Day Part II Vintage Style
04-18-2008, 12:31 PM
#483
Originally Posted by CitadelBlue,Apr 18 2008, 12:46 PM
If you happen to have an appropriate Father of the Bride joke to start off the rehersal dinner toast ..... please post it ..... Thanks
04-26-2008, 05:00 PM
#484
Not quite a joke, as this is an accident report, but a humorous read as long as you are NOT the author.
Subject: Bricklayer Accident Report
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly,
I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
Subject: Bricklayer Accident Report
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly,
I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
04-26-2008, 05:11 PM
#485
^
Did you see the Mythbuster's episode where they replicated the event? It worked perfectly, once they damaged the barrel enough (the bottom wouldn't fall out just due to the impact).
Poor Buster.
JonasM
Did you see the Mythbuster's episode where they replicated the event? It worked perfectly, once they damaged the barrel enough (the bottom wouldn't fall out just due to the impact).
Poor Buster.
JonasM
04-27-2008, 03:52 PM
#486
Originally Posted by JonasM,Apr 26 2008, 09:11 PM
^
Did you see the Mythbuster's episode where they replicated the event? It worked perfectly, once they damaged the barrel enough (the bottom wouldn't fall out just due to the impact).
Poor Buster.
JonasM
Did you see the Mythbuster's episode where they replicated the event? It worked perfectly, once they damaged the barrel enough (the bottom wouldn't fall out just due to the impact).
Poor Buster.
JonasM
04-28-2008, 05:00 AM
#487
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: BROOKVILLE
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Originally Posted by Matt_in_VA,Apr 26 2008, 08:00 PM
Not quite a joke, as this is an accident report, but a humorous read as long as you are NOT the author.
Subject: Bricklayer Accident Report
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly,
I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
Subject: Bricklayer Accident Report
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly,
I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2650
04-28-2008, 06:44 AM
#488
Stories from Grannyrod's Diary 
#####
Grannyrod was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
#####
Grannyrod's young granddaughter called the other day to wish her Happy Birthday. She asked Granny how old she was, and Granny told her, "62." She was quiet for a moment, and then she asked, "Did you start at 1?"
#####
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a Grannyrod changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
#####
Grannyrod was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
#####
My grandchild was visiting one day when she asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," she replied.
#####
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandmother's word processor. She told her she was writing a story. "What's it about?" she asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
#####
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grannyrod, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
#####
When my grandchild and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, she whispered, "It's no use, Grannyrod. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grannyrod, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
#####
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. One of the small boys wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
05-02-2008, 11:44 AM
#490
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Melbourne,Fl.
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Don't know if this has been posted yet.
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A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?