Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
11-21-2015, 08:22 AM
#121
THE TALKING CLOCK
After closing time at the pub, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"Tis not a gong. It's a fooken' talking clock." the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Aye, it is!" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch." the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. . . .
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!"
After closing time at the pub, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"Tis not a gong. It's a fooken' talking clock." the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Aye, it is!" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch." the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. . . .
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!"
11-21-2015, 08:47 AM
#122
11-21-2015, 09:40 AM
#123
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,149
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From a blonde friend:
Yesterday, she had a flat tire on the interstate. So she eased the car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and opened the trunk.
She took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of the car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
Cars started slowing down to look at the cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind her.
He got out of his car and walked towards her. You could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?" he asked.
"My car has a flat tire," she said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
She couldn't believe that he didn't know.
So she told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
Yesterday, she had a flat tire on the interstate. So she eased the car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and opened the trunk.
She took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of the car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
Cars started slowing down to look at the cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind her.
He got out of his car and walked towards her. You could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?" he asked.
"My car has a flat tire," she said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
She couldn't believe that he didn't know.
So she told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
12-02-2015, 09:45 PM
#124
I need to look at this thread way more often. Good stuff, here.
12-05-2015, 05:03 AM
#125
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone
asks, "Who does something like that?!?"
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do
they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?"
is inversely proportional to the severity of the s**t storm that's
coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
.....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I
need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
...This is upsetting news to me......I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older
women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can
finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone
asks, "Who does something like that?!?"
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do
they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?"
is inversely proportional to the severity of the s**t storm that's
coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
.....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I
need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
...This is upsetting news to me......I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older
women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can
finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
12-10-2015, 04:22 PM
#127
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
12-11-2015, 04:26 AM
#128
Two police officers responding to a 'domestic disturbance
with shots fired' arrive on the scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her
freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a murder here," the officer reported.
"What happened?" asked the Sergeant.
"A woman shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
The Sergeant asked, "Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
with shots fired' arrive on the scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her
freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a murder here," the officer reported.
"What happened?" asked the Sergeant.
"A woman shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
The Sergeant asked, "Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
12-17-2015, 11:47 PM
#129
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Six Metro stops short of insanity.
Posts: 29,149
Received 974 Likes
on
667 Posts
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season’, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.’
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?’
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.’
And so the Christmas season begins......
'In honor of this holy season’, Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.’
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?’
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.’
And so the Christmas season begins......
12-21-2015, 12:32 PM
#130
Former Moderator
The Parish Priest is asked if everthing is going ok in the rectory; there are so many rumors going around in the village.
“Yes, it’s true,” the priest says, “I have one big bed, and Rosa, the housekeeper sleeps on one side, and I sleep on the other side. But in the middle, between us, is the place where Napoleon, the big Rottweiler, sleeps. And he watches so that nothing improper, uh, happens”
“And if you – were to -- get excited, lying there?”
“Well then I just get up and walk out around the church and back and forth through the cemetery until it passes.”
“Andif Rosa were to get excited, lying there?”
“Well then she gets up and walks around the churchyard and through the cemetery until the the excitement is gone.”
“Andwhen both of you, uh, happen -- to get excited, lying there?”
“Well that is when it's Napoleon's turn to take the walk around the churchyard…”
“Yes, it’s true,” the priest says, “I have one big bed, and Rosa, the housekeeper sleeps on one side, and I sleep on the other side. But in the middle, between us, is the place where Napoleon, the big Rottweiler, sleeps. And he watches so that nothing improper, uh, happens”
“And if you – were to -- get excited, lying there?”
“Well then I just get up and walk out around the church and back and forth through the cemetery until it passes.”
“Andif Rosa were to get excited, lying there?”
“Well then she gets up and walks around the churchyard and through the cemetery until the the excitement is gone.”
“Andwhen both of you, uh, happen -- to get excited, lying there?”
“Well that is when it's Napoleon's turn to take the walk around the churchyard…”