Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
10-31-2016, 09:25 AM
#231
In the afternoon, I went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9-mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I don't think I looked that bad. Probably should wear underwear more often, though.
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I don't think I looked that bad. Probably should wear underwear more often, though.
10-31-2016, 03:09 PM
#232
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone..He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.""Did you dance much ?""I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening....
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.""Did you dance much ?""I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening....
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"
11-01-2016, 05:43 PM
#233
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the f**k I am now…
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the f**k I am now…
11-18-2016, 12:17 PM
#234
My son...
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose." He said, "NO!"
I told him, "She is Bill Gates daughter."
He said, "yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son,"
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son,"
Bill Gates said, "NO!"
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the C.E.O. of the World Bank."
Bill Gates said, "ok."
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.
He said, "NO!"
I told him, "my son is Bill Gates son-in-law."
He said, "ok."
This is exactly how politics works.
Last edited by windhund116; 11-18-2016 at 12:21 PM.
11-18-2016, 02:21 PM
#236
Learning how to use google AI....
Seattle News Anchor Accidentally Draws A Giant Penis On Live TV | The Huffington Post
oh oops
Seattle News Anchor Accidentally Draws A Giant Penis On Live TV | The Huffington Post
oh oops
11-18-2016, 02:52 PM
#237
OK, I know this site is click-bait, but some of these wedding/engagement name combinations are truly funny: http://humor.about.com/od/Funny-People/ss/These-Newlyweds-Might-Want-To-Reconsider-Hyphenating-Their-Names.htm?utm_campaign=kw_entertainment_33&utm_sou rce=facebook&utm_medium=con&utm_content=3227&kwp_0 =221253&kwp_4=844612&kwp_1=416043#step1
#'s 5, 7, and 11 are my favs.
#'s 5, 7, and 11 are my favs.
Last edited by jukngene; 11-18-2016 at 02:59 PM.
11-19-2016, 04:05 AM
#238
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it, so as a token,please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father €™s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
He later went on to become a member of Congress.
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father €™s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
He later went on to become a member of Congress.
11-26-2016, 12:43 PM
#239
11-29-2016, 03:46 AM
#240
well there is Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, and I just heard on the news Giving Tuesday.
which leads us to "get back to F'ing Work Wednesday."
which leads us to "get back to F'ing Work Wednesday."