Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
12-15-2016, 05:24 PM
#241
12-16-2016, 02:56 AM
#245
12-16-2016, 04:34 PM
#246
Registered User
A priest decided to do something a little different.*
*He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.** Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to your mind --*
*the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'*
*Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,*
*'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'*
*The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began*
* to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'*
*The pastor said 'POWER.'*
*The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.*
*The Pastor said 'SEX'*
*The congregation fell into total silence.*
* Everyone was in shock. *
*They all nervously began to look around at each other* *afraid to say
anything.*
*Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing**'MEMORIES.'*
*Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.*
*He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach.** Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to your mind --*
*the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'*
*Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,*
*'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'*
*The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began*
* to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'*
*The pastor said 'POWER.'*
*The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.*
*The Pastor said 'SEX'*
*The congregation fell into total silence.*
* Everyone was in shock. *
*They all nervously began to look around at each other* *afraid to say
anything.*
*Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing**'MEMORIES.'*
*Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.*
12-16-2016, 06:23 PM
#247
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl -- box seats plus airfare, accommodations, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him,
it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year.
She will be the one in the white dress . . .
If you're interested and want to go instead of him,
it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year.
She will be the one in the white dress . . .
12-17-2016, 11:56 AM
#248
01-08-2017, 08:45 AM
#250
Registered User
Corney puns, but puns non-the-less:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head.?
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.?
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!?
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.? The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.?
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Gary
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head.?
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.?
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran..
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!?
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.? The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.?
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Gary