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*Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol*:
*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*
*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*
*Here's her story in her own words:*
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.*
*If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!*
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”*
A older woman was tired of her boring non sex life. She went to Victorias Secret and bought some crotchless panties. She was sitting a chair with a glass of when her husband sat down opposite of her. She uncrossed her legs and her husband said what are you doing. She said I bought some crotchless panties, what do you think. The hubby said OMG I thought you were sitting on the cat.
A guy poked his head into a crowded barber shop and asked the barber how long of a wait. The barber replied about 2 hours, the guy then left, He showed up the next day and asked the same question. The barber said about 3 hours, the guy left again. The 3rd day the guy showed up and asked again. The barber said about 2.5 hours, and the guy left. The barber asked his friend Bob, who was waiting, to follow the guy and find out where he goes after he leaves the shop. Bob comes back to the shop and the barber asks, well where does he go. Bob with tears running down his face says, your house.
This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!” and "Death to all Infidels!,” when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!” and "Death to all Infidels!,” when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
Joe had suffered from severe headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration: You have a rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine. This pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.When he left the hospital, Joe was without a headache for the first time in 20 years.
However, he felt like he an essential part of himself was missing. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could try to make a new beginning. Live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need. A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new Suit." The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long. Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" The tailor said, "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see.... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34, for the last 20 years!" The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Surgery - $ 15000
New underwear - $ 6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Always get a second opinion before going under the Surgeon's knife.
Last edited by windhund116; 07-27-2018 at 06:38 AM.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the
eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's just one more condition"
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand
. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house." Our needs change as we get older and on a fixed income. We tend to look for bargains.
05-03-2018, 08:58 AM
