Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
09-15-2018, 04:53 PM
#431
09-20-2018, 08:25 AM
#432
Registered User
DIVORCE HEARING IN ITALY
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy,
but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped
to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the
children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for
his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke
comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy,
but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped
to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the
children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for
his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke
comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
DON'T LAUGH . . . HE WON!
09-20-2018, 12:22 PM
#434
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable - an entire laundry list of unmet needs she’s endured.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ………….. but I play golf on Fridays.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ………….. but I play golf on Fridays.
09-20-2018, 03:09 PM
#435
Registered User
Subject: Golf getaway
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do remember her." said Shawn.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn , so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do remember her." said Shawn.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well...
She just died and left me everything."
09-20-2018, 04:24 PM
#436
A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."
The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
Compliments of Looter!
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."
The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
Compliments of Looter!
A bunch of good ones! Thanks for sharing.
10-01-2018, 01:23 PM
#439
My new neighbor
She's single. She's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the road. I can see her place from my kitchen
window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the road, up my driveway and knocked
on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home,and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex **tonight**.
Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free".
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior really sucks!
She's single. She's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the road. I can see her place from my kitchen
window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the road, up my driveway and knocked
on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home,and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex **tonight**.
Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free".
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior really sucks!
11-12-2018, 05:12 AM
#440
Sex in the shower
In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Proctor & Gamble', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Levi
In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Proctor & Gamble', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Levi